Not Whole Without You
by FicsOnFridays6
Summary: *BOOK THREE IN THE UNEXPECTED SERIES* *Alternate Timeline* *Clabastian/Incest* 17 years after the mortal war, there was Xavier and Chris, victims of the parabatai curse who were forced into becoming parabatai. Will they find a way back to each other, or will they be forced to be apart forever?
1. You Leave Me Paralyzed

**Helllo! This is the xris fanfic. To people reading this who have no idea what it is/what is going on, you should go read the first 2 books in this series, "That Was Not Expected" and "Everything is Unexpected," otherwise you will be VERY much confused. Although the first fanfic in the series is short, I'm very proud of what I've written over the past 2 years. wow, 2 years?! lol.** **Thank you and go read that if you haven't. Welcome back to the other people, blah blah blah. I'm gonna let you enjoy the story.**

* * *

I'm not whole without you

I'm full of holes without you.

* * *

 **Chris**

While everybody else was celebrating my mother coming back with the twins, Chris was alone, celebrating the birthday that everybody forgot: his. His mother had never really _been there,_ she'd always been focused on her job, not that that was a bad thing. She and his father were great parents.

Alec was the one that was always home while Clary went off on sudden missions and created runes all alone in the basement, not bothering to say hello. Lily and Clary had a special bond, while Chris seemed to drift away farther and farther from her.

Chris needed his mother, but she was off partying with the rest of Idris. He couldn't confide in her like he could've his father. Chris was the eldest son, he wasn't an adult who could fend for himself, no matter how hard he himself wanted to believe that he could do everything he needed by himself, he couldn't. He still needed guidance. He still needed his mother. He didn't need her to be in love with another man when she'd seemed to be so in love in love with his father.

Chris was angry at his father for just _dying._ He knew that nothing was going to change no matter how hard he wanted it, but sometimes he had to hold himself back from working with necromancy. He knew how wrong it was, but sometimes he _needed_ his father; waking up in the middle calling out for his father was so painful when he remembered that his father wasn't going to come to him. As his insomnia and nightmares got worse, the angrier he got.

After getting back to the Lightwood Manor, Clary had explained everything to everyone. The demonic kids, Jace, Sebastian, and what did she get? She got everything she could have ever wanted. She didn't have to marry Jace because of Sebastian, who even though he was hated was in fact considered a full-fledged shadowhunter.

Clary seemed focused on being a mother now-at least to her younger children, that is. What kind of a mother forgets her son's birthday? What kind of a mother gets another boyfriend in less than a year after her _husband_ died? Did she even stop to think about her kids? No.

Lily didn't care. She didn't understand what kind of affect it would have on their whole family. She loved and cared about everyone and just wanted to forget about what had happened in the past six months.

Chris wanted to forget as well, but he just couldn't let his father go. _Alec_ was his father, and he didn't need Sebastian to try to fill in the gap that Alec has left. Chris wanted to keep that space there. He didn't _want_ to let go.

It didn't matter that he couldn't sleep. Gabriel and Gideon, the demon spawn were _always_ crying, always wanting something. Clary didn't seem to have time for anything except her _new_ family with Sebastian. Chris felt like he didn't have a place to fit in anymore, as if he'd been cut off with his father. Was he not good enough to be part of Clary's perfect family anymore?

" _Y-you look just like…just like your father…" Sebastian had said first. Are you sure you don't want to celebrate with the rest of us?" Sebastian had asked Chris._

 _Chris had automatically hated Sebastian. He knew that Sebastian was trying hard not to intrude, but he was. He was trying to fill a cup inside of Chris that would never be full again. Sebastian wasn't a bad guy, it was just…too early. It made Chris wish he wasn't named after him._

 _Chris was the only person who referred to Jonathan Morgenstern as "Sebastian," because he now referred to himself as Jon Chris Morgenstern, which tucked Chris off._

" _No thanks." Seeing the concern on Clary's face, Chris smiled and said, "I'll be fine."_ I'll be fine. _Chris had said those three words multiple time over the past few weeks._ Leave me alone. _That's what he really wanted to say, but he didn't have the strength to do it._

 _Then they had left, not even wondering why Chris had refused to go. As if after the moment they'd talked to him was gone, he didn't exist anymore. He was invisible._

Peeling off his gloves, Chris stared at his hand. The webs hadn't moved any farther, but they were still there, as dark and as clear as ever..black lines that looked like they were burned onto him by a stele were all over his hand in a spider-web like pattern. The night before Clary had come back, he and Xavier had sworn not to see each other unless it was absolutely necessary.

Not seeing Xavier made Chris' desire for him come back even stronger than before, which didn't help his case. The moment they stopped seeing each other in private, everything about Xavier seemed even more…there was no word to describe it. It felt like when Xav laughed, it was directed straight at him…like it was a torture built for him. Xav's features seemed to become even more…just attractive. Not talking to him was torture. Xav was his best friend and the person that he loved, and not seeing him was worse than the curse itself.

But no matter how much he wished to think otherwise, Chris assumed that Xav had also gone to the party, just like everybody else in Alicante. No, the entirety of the Nephilim had probably traveled all the way to Alicante to celebrate the return of the hero Clarissa Morgenstern. _Morgenstern._ His mother didn't even call herself Clary Lightwood anymore.

 _Dad would've stayed._ Chris thought bitterly. _He would've remembered my birthday, at least. Even Xavier might've forgotten._

* * *

 **Xavier**

Xavier had made the mistake of going to the hugest party in Idris. The party wasn't the problem, Chris' absence was. He'd been hoping that he'd be able to talk to Chris. "Where's Chris?" Was the first thing he'd asked Clary when he saw her dancing with Jonathan during the party.

"He's back at home." She said in a happy tone as she threw her arms around Jonathan's neck. Xavier wasn't a person to speak his mind, but he was kind of uncomfortable. Clary had always seemed to be so in love with Alec that it was hard to see her with anybody else. He understood it, though. Chris had completely broken things off with Meg just for him…he shook his head. _Don't think about him._

"Wait, what?" Xav knew that it was Chris' birthday, and had assumed that Clary knew as well, but now it was evident that she hadn't remembered. Was it because she didn't remember, or did she honestly just not know when his birthday was? Still, Xav didn't say anything.

The past few weeks had been an absolute nightmare. Xav and Chris had promised each other that they would try to avoid contact as much as possible, except for when they had to put up the act of being parabatai. How did nobody notice that they were both in pain whenever they saw each other? How did they not notice their burning runes?

Unlike Chris' hand, Xavier was in a much worse condition. He couldn't stop thinking about him. It was like a part of his brain had just been messed with so that all he could think about was Chris, all night and all day. No matter how much he wanted to see him, Xav knew that he had to stay away. He knew that there were consequences to loving your parabatai, that's why it was against the law.

 _Sed lex dura lex,_ Xav repeated in his head, _The law is hard, but it is the law. More like, the law is stupid, and it should be ignored._ Still, he couldn't ignore it. If he did, they could both face serious consequences.

Xavier noticed that Brother Zachariah was across the room, and now was the time for Xav to ask him about the curse of the parabatai.

"Brother Zachariah, may I ask you a question?"

"Yes, you may?"

"Can you tell me about parabatai? I mean, what happens if they fall in love with each other…" Xav's voice got softer and softer as he continued. "What would happen to them in the end?"

"The more the pair surrenders to their emotions and love for one another, the stronger the curse gets and affects them," Brother Zachariah told Xav, looking into his eyes. "Their runes will be stronger than any other, and their runes will begin to burn with heavenly fire and black lines will spread across their skin."

"What happens after that?" Xav had asked uneasily. "What happens?" His blackened hands were hidden behind his back.

"Why are you so curious about this?" Brother Zachariah asked. "I mean, one-sided love has no consequences to parabatai, but if they both truly _love_ each other, then the curse will begin."

"I…" This was his chance to tell him! The only thing that held him back was the thought that this might also hurt Chris. "I just think that it's just an interesting t-topic and my training instructor, Emma Carstairs **(Even though this is a different timeline, Emma and Julian exist! They're just 11 years older then they are in TDA, since this takes place 16 years after TMI, and TDA takes place 5 years after. Emma and Julian are engaged and they were never parabatai...Emma is a trainer and Julian runs an institute in Alicante and the LA Institute. Sorry, I just thought you might wanted to know this.)** asked me to study the topic since it's something that's barely touched upon in my studies and I was curious."

"Alright." Brother Zachariah continued, "They will finally turn into enormous beings-the true Nephilim. The parabatai won't have control or conscious acts while in that form. According to the archives in the Silent City, the power would eventually drive them insane and surround themselves with death and destruction until they die themselves, burned by their heavenly fire."

"I-I there any sort of possibility that they'll survive? Is there any record of it?"

"I...think that's too many questions for one night, don't you think, Xavier? Why don't you enjoy the party with your parabatai? Unless…the curse?"

 _That's the last thing I want to do now._ "N-no, he's just not here." This must've been what Chris meant about the curse. This was why Chris was so reluctant to kiss him or anything. Xav knew that Chris knew the exact consequences of the curse, but he'd never actually stopped to ask Chris what would actually end up happening to them. Xav felt lightheaded.

"Then why don't you talk to your father or the other children here?" _I'm not a child_ , Xav thought.

"I…think i'm gonna leave early, my stomach hurts." Xav said quickly, but not before glaring at Clary, who was holding her two babies and smiling. Jonathan was smiling at Clary as if she was the only person in this world and many others.

As much as Xav wished for that sort of happiness, he couldn't have have it. He wouldn't be happy like how Clary and Jonathan were…ever; not as long as the parabatai bonds remained intact in the silent city. He could break those bonds, but in that process he'd be shattering the rest of the parabatai bonds. He couldn't do that. He saw what losing a parabatai was like every time he went home and saw his father. Whether or not Jace noticed it, Jace usted to subconsciously touch the parabatai rune whenever he was feeling in a bad way. Now, whenever he was about to do that, Jace would hold his hand there for a second and then stare at the floor, feeling empty. Xav couldn't do that to anybody, no matter what he desired.

Xavier would never have enough courage to destroy the bond of the parabatai, because no matter how much he needed Chris, he couldn't hurt somebody like that, he wouldn't take away a bond that couldn't be replaced.

If he couldn't love Chris, then he could at least be his parabatai…for now, or as long as Xavier could handle it…and he wasn't sure if he could really take it any longer. Xavier prayed to the angel that he would be able to control himself as he headed to the institute.

* * *

 **Chris**

While everybody was at the party, Chris was busy shooting arrows out of his father's bow at several different targets in the training room of the institute.

 _Pull back, aim, shoot._ He repeated in his head, completely zoned out as he continued to shoot.

As they hit the center of the target over and over again, Chris got more and more angry at himself, even though he was hitting the target. He didn't know how to cope or comprehend with his ever-growing list of emotions. He hadn't even noticed when his fingers had started to bleed, and the bow was covered in blood.

"Chris? Chris, what are you doing?" _Xav._ Chris would recognize that voice anywhere.

 _Don't look. Don't get distracted. Don't let your emotions take control of you,_ Chris thought as he drew the strings back again, his hands stinging. He attempted to shoot, but Xavier was standing right in front of the target. "What are you doing? Move out of my way, Xav!"

Xavier walked closer to Chris and snatched the arrow from his grasp, threw the bow onto the floor, and took Chris' hands into his. "What the hell, Chris!? What the _fuck_ made you do this? You're bleeding! It's dripping onto the floor!" Xavier pulled out his stele and attempted to draw an iratze.

"Don't!" Chris cried. Their runes could be so powerful that it could actually hurt them instead of heal them. "I'll be fine." Although concern was obvious in Xavier's voice, Chris pulled his hands away and looked down at the floor. "What do you care?"

" _Christopher_ Lightwood," Xav said, taking his gloves off, "Obviously, I do care. Otherwise _this_ -" He motioned towards his hands and the web-like patterns. " _This_ wouldn't be happening!"

Chris wanted to be angry, but it was impossible to be mad at Xavier for long, no matter how hard he tried. "I know, I know...it's just hard not to want-" He cut off his voice and instead focused on pulling arrows out of the many targets. Doing that just made him bleed more, but Chris could care less.

"Want what?"

Chris sighed. "You know I'm not going to answer that question, Xav. I can't."

"I know." Xav said sadly, blowing a strand of his grayish blonde **(ehehehehe Remember? HAIR DYEEEEE)** hair. "I just…I don't want to _feel_ like this anymore."

"Me neither, but there's nothing we can do, Xav."

"We could just give up. Why not? Why not just let the curse take over us or something? I'd rather die than-

" _Don't_ say that, Xav. We'll find a solution, I swear."

"I don't-I can't…" Xav stuttered, "Just let me do one thing." He breathed.

"What?" Chris sounded tired, so tired.

"Kiss me."

Chris could resist, but he didn't even want to anymore, at least for a moment. He didn't want to hold back his emotions. So Chris gave up everything that was holding him back in that moment. One kiss wouldn't hurt, would it? _One kiss,_ he promised himself, _Nothing more._ He wanted to let everything go in that moment, to just let himself _feel_ something and actually be _happy._

Letting his emotions run wild and free, Chris cupped his hands around Xav's face and kissed him as if it was the last time he would. He let himself feel everything in that moment, he let himself not care about the curse. Pulling Xav closer to him, he didn't care about the heavenly fire that was burning in his veins. All he felt were Xav's lips on his, and he was smiling; finally happy.

That feeling didn't last for long.

Chris' smile went off of his face as he realized that the black webbed lines had spread farther up his arm until it reached almost his shoulder. They broke apart and before he knew it, Xavier had walked away… The feeling of hopeless was back once more.

Only now was he truly alone.

* * *

 **Xavier**

 _No. Nonononono. I kissed him, why am I so stupid?_ His whole body felt as if it were on fire, but Xav didn't care, he just had to get out of there. No, he wanted every sort of feelings that he had about anything to just fade away for _one_ second. He didn't want to feel this way anymore. He didn't want to feel the pain of loving somebody but not being able to love them the way he wanted to. He shouldn't have been so stupid, so careless. He hadn't been thinking, and he'd let his emotions take control of him. That wouldn't happen anymore, because he wouldn't let himself _feel_ anything.

His first thought was to go to the silent city and destroy the first parabatai rune, but it would destroy all the parabatai bonds, hurting millions and Chris as well. He would never forgive himself if he did something like that, no matter what sort of benefit he got from it. _But what about Chris?_ His selfish side pleaded with his rule-abiding side. _Isn't it worth it? Wouldn't you risk everything you have for him?_ Even if he did break those bonds, they would be de-runed, they would be outcasts, and most importantly: they would not be together.

 _No, don't think about that._ It took everything in him not to run into the silent city, grab the mortal sword and just smash it down onto the parabatai rune. _Like Brother Zachariah said, 'The more the pair surrenders to their emotions and love for one another, the stronger the curse gets and affects them.'_

That meant that if he didn't surrender his emotions, if he didn't _feel_ any emotions or love, then the curse wouldn't get any stronger or more effective. What would be the easiest way to get rid of his emotions? _A warlock. A demon. A faerie. Brother Zachariah. Exile._

He didn't care whatever it was that he had to do, he just wanted the pain to go away.

* * *

 **I don't know about you, but I'm sooooo hyped for this fanfic! Anyway, if anybody's a marvel fan, have you seen the Far From Home teaser yet? I love marvellllll! Also, the kit/th and Mark/Kieran fanfics are being written rn and I'll be uploading sneak peeks eventually. I know this is kind of long, but I hope you don't mind and I'll be back very soon with another chapter! ;) I hope you like the first chapter and this made you feel happy or brightened your day a little bit :) Thanks to Ruth m, Horses8 and Lullaby baby rock a by bye for being such great people! :)**

 **Love,**

 **~Sara**


	2. Who Dares Disturb Magnus Bane?

**Your reactions to the last chapter were so sweet I can't even! I love you all so much it makes my heart want to burst! This story especially is really important to me because Xavier and Chris are my own characters and they're just special to me and they're adorable! Maybe one day if I write my own book I'll name a couple after them :) Anyway, nobody wants to hear me rant so…**

 **~Sara**

* * *

 **Also, I apologize ahead of time for what Xav is going to do in this chapter… please don't kill me! I also just want to say that I know how old Magnus is, but he did date Alec when he was Xav's age, which makes this fine. I repeat, don't attack me.**

* * *

 **Xavier**

Xav tried to ignore the tears streaming down his face as he ran through the silent city of Alicante. Alicante was quiet, except for the distant noises of laughter coming from the party. No matter how hard he tried, Xav couldn't stop tears from falling from his face, no matter how much he wanted it to stop.

 _Stop crying._ He pleaded with his mind, yet his body seemed to not want to listen no matter how badly he wanted it to. _Stop crying. You're weak. You're worthless._

What was he supposed to do when his heart felt like it was being crushed into pieces by a seraph blade. How would the pain go away? All he could feel was the pain and guilt from kissing Chris. It had felt like the right thing to do in the moment, but now that it was over, he was literally paying the price. The runes on his arms and legs were burning with heavenly fire and he could feel the curse slowly spreading. Why was he giving into his emotions even after he knew the consequences of doing so? Why couldn't he control the war going on in his heart?

The one thing that he couldn't possibly do was turn himself into the Consul. Both he and Xav would be stripped of their runes and sent into exile with the mundanes. The shadow world was the only place that Xav knew and he couldn't bear the thought of being away from his family and his friends.

He didn't want to get his emotions taken away from him by a warlock, but that was all he felt that he could do in that moment. Shortly after Clary had come back, they discovered that Magnus Bane had also survived the demon attacks even though he had been thought dead. Magnus Bane was the only warlock that Xav knew besides Tessa Gray, and Tessa Gray was so rule-abiding that he wasn't sure that she would even be willing to help him, and it would be better to go to a warlock that he knew, which narrowed his choices down to Magnus.

Now, Xav stood in front of Magnus' apartment, worried about what was going to happen next. Shaking all of the fear away, Xav knocked on the door and before he knew it, he was pulled inside of the apartment.

Magnus was right in front of him, blue magic coming out of his hands. "Who dares to disturb Magnus Bane, the high warlock of Brooklyn?" ( **Ehehehehehehe)**

Xav raised his hand. "Me."

"My, my, dear Shadowhunter. What are you doing in Brooklyn?" Magnus pointed towards a seat in front of the fireplace, lighting it up with a wave of his hand. "Sit."

"I should be asking you the same thing. Aren't you good friends with Clary? Why aren't you at the party?"

"Jonathan Morgenstern tried to kill me sixteen years ago. I don't exactly feel…comfortable around him."

"Ah." Xav nodded.

"So what is it that you need from me, shadowhunter?" Magnus sat down across from Xav.

Taking in a deep breath, Xav took off the glove covering his arm, revealing the dark, webbed lines spreading all over his right arm until reached til almost his shoulder.

"Oh dear." Magnus' jaw dropped. "Who's your parabatai again? Megara Penhallow?"

"I'm gay." **(A/N I'm sorrrrry I just had to put that line in there, but that's not why I apologized earlier.)**

"Then who's the straight one?"

"My father!" Xav raised his hands up high into the air, exasperated.

"I apologize." Magnus said as he painted his nails. **(I love him so much!)** "Who is it?"

"Chris."

"Who?"

"Christopher Lightwood? Alec's son?" Xav was shocked that he didn't know.

"Oh…" Magnus frowned. "Alexander Lightwood's son. How unfortunate that is for you. The Lightwoods are heartbreakers. Isabelle, Alexander…"

"So will you help me or not?"

"What do you want me to do?" Magnus questioned, "There aren't many solutions to this…curse."

"I need you to freeze my emotions." Xav demanded.

"I'm afraid I can not do that." My father continued, "Trying to freeze emotions has terrible consequences."

"What do you mean, you can't do that?"

"I've tried to do this before, and it didn't end so well."

"With who?" There was genuine curiosity in Xav's voice.

Magnus' voice turned quiet. "Alexander Lightwood, and as you probably know, his emotions were… quite all over the place for years."

"Wait, What?! Jace and Alec...

"No, not that. Alec just wanted me to freeze his emotions to stop feeling things for Alec. Anyways, I can't do that for you, alright?"

"There has to be some other solution!" Xav pleaded with Magnus, "I need you to help me, Magnus Bane. Please. I'll do anything you ask! If I can't block my emotions, then at least help me make him hate me! If he hates me, then the curse will fade, right?"

"If you can make him hate you, then yes. But most likely, making him hate you will be impossible. If the curse has already started to spread, it means your feelings are reciprocated."

"That's why I need you to help me!" Xav cried, hands around his head, thoughts swimming.

"Well…there's something that could work, if you…"

"If I do what? Tell me!" Xav had his arms around Magnus' shoulders.

"You're not going to like it. You're not going to like it at all. Nevermind, it's a stupid idea." Magnus shook his head.

"I don't care. I just need the pain to go away." He gestured at his arm. "If I surrender to my emotions, then the curse will go stronger. If I keep the curse at bay by making him hate me, then maybe the curse will fade away." Xavier said, practically begging Magnus.

Magnus visibly sighed. "We could…

"Just tell me, it can't possibly be that bad. I don't care what it is."

"We could…date?" Magnus sounded embarrassed by the whole idea. "It's not the best idea, but Christopher could possibly become jealous or angry, and your emotions would also be on halt, and it could stop the curse from spreading. It might not reverse the curse, but it might stop spreading since you'd be holding your emotions back and-

"I'll do it." **(A/N: I already see the frustrated reviews, and I'm sorrrrrrryyyyy but that was the only brief solution I could think of and it's for. The. Plot. Please don't attack me and just trust me, ok? :) I repeat, NO ATTACKING!)**

"You will?" Even Magnus seemed shocked. "I didn't really mean it that seriously! Why not turn yourself in, it would be so much easier and-

"Stop!" Xav took his hands off of his head. "Let's just go with this, alright? I don't want to do this, but it's literally my only option now."

Magnus took a deep breath. "I can't believe that I'm agreeing to this, Xavier."

"Don't call me 'Xavier,' call me Xav. It's like me calling you Mags. That's what everybody calls me."

"That's exactly why I'm going to call you Xavier. You can call me…whatever the fuck you just said."

Xav nodded slowly. "Mags?" He shuddered. Xav started slowly building up a plan in his mind. "I'll just drop random hints and then you can..kiss me in front of Chris or something."

Magnus tried not to sigh, but the sigh escaped him before he could force himself to hold it in. "Alright. I'm not super happy about this, but I will help you. I'll try to make it as convincing as I can."

Pulling some glitter out of thin air and tossing them at Xav, Magnus said "Take these and use them as one your 'hints.'"

Xav nodded once more. He realized that he'd just made one of the worst decisions of his life, but the idea it could possibly save Chris and the lives of everybody Xav loved was what made him agree to this dangerous plan, and saving people he loved was the thing that mattered the most to him.

* * *

 **Chris**

 **A couple days later.**

When Chris woke up in the training room after passing out in the training room from the stress and effort that he'd put on himself had taken its toll and he was found later by his mother, who was drawing several iratze son him with her stele.

As soon as Chris had the strength to move, Clary went from kind to absolutely furious. "How could you be so stupid?" Chris felt Clary's hand slap his cheek.

"I didn't think that you would care!" Chris yelled back at his mother, the anger from the past few days flowing back into his mind. "You never care!"

"Why have you been so angry lately, Chris? You used to be so happy." Clary asked him.

"Oh my god, mom. You really _don't_ know me, do you? You're never _here!_ And may I add the fact that you haven't talked to me for weeks as you've been partying with your new family? You even sent Lily away to the Academy! Could you not handle her? Could you not handle the sweetest and kindest little girl in this universe and all the others? By the angel, mother, you must really _not care_!"

"Chris, you know that I didn't want to send her away, but the law requires that I only have two children, and having four in one household is too much and-

"Why not send me away instead of Lily?"

Clary was in tears now. "Because you remind me so much of your father, Chris. Even though you remind me of him and it's painful, I can't bare to send you away to the academy! Do you know how much it hurts me to look at you every morning? Do you understand the guilt that I feel? Do you know how awful I felt, not talking to you for weeks? I'm sorry, Chris! I really am. I just needed time and I-"

"I don't care how bad you feel! I needed you, mom! I needed you when dad died and what did you do? You ran off into literal hell while you were _pregnant_ and went off to Sebastian, who, may I add is literally a fucking _demon_. Did you even think about how worried we were? How hurt we were? Lily cried herself to sleep every single night and asked me when you were coming back, and what did you do as soon as you did? You sent her away! I can't bare the thought of her crying herself to sleep in the academy either and-" Chris' voice cracked. "I thought you were dead, mom! I mourned you, but now that you're back, I just can't feel sorry for you! You're an awful mother to me, and I just hope that you can do better with Gabriel and Gideon, otherwise they'll end up just like me. They'll hate you just like I do."

"Chris, I-

"Just SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE!" Chris slammed his fists down onto the table next to the bed that he was sitting in. He felt the wood snap under his fists. "WILL YOU JUST GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME?! WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER DOESN'T EVEN REMEMBER MY BIRTHDAY? WHAT KIND OF MOTHER GOES OF PARTYING ON MY BIRTHDAY? WHAT SORT OF A MOTHER DOESN'T CARE WHEN I COME OUT? WHAT SORT OF A MOTHER SENDS HER SIX YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AWAY ACROSS THE CITY WITHOUT TELLING ME? WHAT KIND OF A MOTHER MISSES MY GRADUATION FROM TRAINING? DID YOU EVEN KNOW THAT I WAS A FULL-FLEDGED SHADOWHUNTER WHEN YOU FORBADE ME FROM FIGHTING WITH YOU?" The bomb inside Chris' heart had finally exploded as he roared out all of his feelings. "I HATE YOU."

"Chris…" Clary paled. "Chris, I knew it was your birthday, I just didn't want to-I've been going through a lot too and I didn't want to-"

"You didn't want to what? You didn't want to hurt your poor, precious little itty bitty heart?" He scoffed. "Well, you don't know anything about me. I just wanted you to talk to me. I wanted you to actually be a mother."

"I _try,_ Chris! I have my own issues, but I still _try."_

"Well _try_ harder." Chris towered over his mother, as he was a foot taller than her.

"Chris, wait-

"You know what? Just leave me alone. I won't fight with you, you won't fight with me. Just be happy with your boyfriend and kids, okay? Because clearly I'm not as important as they are to you." Chris stumbled as he tried to get out of the bed he was in, but the anger gave him all the strength he needed to get out and start walking away.

Clary didn't come after him. "Christopher Lightwood, get back here right now." Her tone was soft, but there was a certain authority in it that could've made any other person in the shadow world listen to her. Chris wasn't just any shadowhunter.

"I'm a full-fledged shadowhunter, mother, Incase you haven't noticed yet" Chris turned around, his voice full of venom. "I don't have to listen to you." He didn't know where he was going to go, but all he felt was the urge to get out of there no matter where it was.

He knew that it was not tradition to leave his parents' institute before he was of age, but he had completed his training early due to his free time and excellency in combat, which technically made him considered an adult in the shadow world. Sure, he loved his mother, but he didn't want to feel like he was a burden for her anymore. He wanted her to be happy without the burden of her having to look at his face and being reminded of everything she'd lost in six months. He was tired of being neglected, and no matter how much pain it gave his mother to actually be there for him, he just didn't want to live if he was just a burden.

Voices of doubt swept through his mind but he pushed them all away. _Get out of there,_ He yelled at himself in his mind.

" _Attention all Shadowhunters: emergency meeting with the Consul with all Shadowhunters who have passed their training. I repeat, emergency meeting in the Great Hall."_

Chris sighed. The demon attacks had gotten worse and worse over the past six months and hadn't gotten any better. He grabbed his stele and thanked the angel that he had his mother's gift of runes as he opened up a portal to Accords Hall and walked through.

* * *

 **Xavier**

In the heat of the moment, Xav had thought that fake dating Magnus would be a good idea. Now, he wasn't so sure. He didn't want to hurt Chris, but in the end, hurting him was what would save him…no, save them. Save them both.

That was why when the emergency meeting announcement had come to Xav as he was about to leave Magnus' apartment, he asked Magnus to come with him. For the past few days, Xav had left hints.

For example, Magnus had left glitter **(ehehehehe)** in random places in the Herondale manor and he'd come to the institute several times in the week for no reason.

To be honest, in Xav's eyes, Magnus was like a good friend and mentor, not a boyfriend. Xav forced himself not to shudder at the thought of kissing him.

 _You have to do this, otherwise people you love will get hurt. You can't be selfish._ He told himself. The only thing preventing him from not doing this was the thought of how badly Chris would be hurt. _This is for the best,_ Xav promised himself. _This is for the best._

Magnus had opened a portal to bring him to the Accords Hall. It turned out that Magnus was also needed there. If warlocks were needed, then most likely the seelies, vampires and werewolves would also be present at the meeting. This either meant war between different clans of seelies, vampires or warlocks or even a war between Shadowhunters. Most likely, it was a fight between the whole shadow world and the demons that kept attacking them.

Magnus glanced awkwardly at Xav. "Do you want to do it?"

"I…" Xav coughed. "Sure," He said, holding out his hand to Magnus. He looked at it awkwardly. "I don't know how I'm going to pull this off! By the angel, this is awkward!"

"I know it was my idea, but you agreed!" Magnus replied. "I don't want to do this anymore than you do, trust me."

Xav shrugged as Magnus took his hand. "I'm really, really sorry for forcing this on you."

"I owe the Herondales a debt." Magnus said. "Relax, shadowhunter, and remind yourself that this is very much temporary."

Xavier nodded, constantly reminding himself why he made this decision. _You have to do this._

The one question, however, was if any of this would actually work, and if it did… the question was whether or not it would backfire.

* * *

 **First of all- please don't attack me for this! It's part of the plottttttt. Anyway, leave a bunch of sweet reviews like you guys did last time and shoutout to my friend Lullaby baby rock a by bye! Go to her latest chapter of her story to vote for her in a contest! :) i hope you guys liked this chapter and aren't too mad at me! :)**

 **~Sara**


	3. Love is Messed Up

**Yay! None of you attacked me last chapter! Therefore, you guys get another chapter! Lol. I'm not going to bore you any longer.**

 **~Sara**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own TMI, Cassandra Clare does. What I (think) I own is this alternate timeline and my OCs: Xav,**

 **Chris, Gabriel, Gideon and Lily.**

* * *

 **Xavier(YOU SAW THIS COMING. WARNING!)**

* * *

Maybe that's why people call it a fall. Falling in love was like opening up a piece of your heart and letting the person you loved fall in, deeper and deeper until there was no way to come back out. You had fallen in too deep, to far, to hard. You'd fallen, and you'd never find a way back out, because that was almost impossible.

Falling in love wasn't a choice. Falling in love was like leaping from a cliff without knowing how tall it was and trusting that the person at the bottom would catch you if you fell. His brain would scream that it wasn't a good idea, and that hurt and pain would inevitably come to him, but his heart believed that he could soar, glide, and fly his way into happiness. The more you fell, the more you believed that the impossible was possible. That you could do anything as long as you had the other person.

Then reality would come crashing down, and there was nobody to catch you when you fell. There was no happy ending in your story, because in real life, there were rarely happy endings. Life was not a fairy tale, and Xav knew that, because nothing ever seemed to go right in his life.

The reality of his situation was that he was hopelessly in love with his parabatai, and he was dating a thousand year old warlock to prevent a curse that could kill every single person that he cared about. The reality was that he would have to lie to the person he loved more than anyone or anything and disobey his trust. He had to kiss somebody that he didn't love. Maybe it wasn't a big deal to some people, but in his mind, it was the biggest deal ever.

He didn't even understand how his heart had disobeyed his mind like that. He wasn't supposed to love his parabatai. He wasn't supposed to lie to his parabatai. He wasn't supposed to date warlocks, either. He didn't know what was worse: kissing a guy _and_ warlock in front of everybody in the accords hall with Chris being there and betraying his trust, or letting the curse take over him. But in his mind, Xavier didn't have a choice. He'd made his decision. He was holding hands with Magnus Bane and walking into the Accords Hall. **(Ewwwwww)**

He felt an arm grab him from behind. "Where have you been? I've been worried sick!" It was his father's voice. Xavier turned around, and so did Magnus. He saw Jace's eyes as they drifted down to their touching hands, and saw that his father's mouth was wide open. "When did that happen?"

"This is…um…" Xav took in a deep breath slowly, praying to the angel that this poorly crafted lie would be believable. "Why I was gone…?" He silently cursed himself for adding the questioning tone at the end. _By the angel, I sound so stupid._

"O-oh, okay." Jace cleared his throat, looking at Magnus. "I see you haven't aged at all, Magnus."

"I'm immortal."

Jace coughed. "Just don't break my son's heart. That's all I ask."

Magnus seemed to almost find what Jace had said funny and started to laugh but covered it with a soft cough. Xav, unfortunately, had been carefully watching Magnus and couldn't control his laughter. He started to make a choked snorting sound and covered his mouth as Magnus elbowed him.

Jace eyed them weirdly but then shrugged. "Don't have a heart attack on me."

Xav nodded, tears of laughter coming out of his eyes. He couldn't believe that his father had actually believed the awful lie. His lungs hurt from laughing.

"Come follow me before you really do have a heart attack, and whatever you do, don't interact with Chris without me around. You don't want the curse to spread any farther." Magnus whispered in his ear and Xav nodded.

No matter how much Xav wanted to ignore the stabbing pain in his heart, as soon as Magnus had said Chris' name, his eyes wandered across the Accords Hall looking for Chris.

Then he spotted him. Chris, who was usually with Clary and the rest of his family was alone in the corner of the hall. Chris was drenched from the rain outside, and his lips were blue. Xav took a minute to lock eyes with Magnus, his eyes pleading to go over and talk to him. He looked back at Chris, desperation and wanting creeping deeper and deeper inside the deep depths of his heart.

"Xavier." Xav's gaze was switched back to Magnus'. "You can't."

Xav took in a deep breath, his nails digging deep into the skin on his palms as he ignored the feeling of dread creeping into his stomach. "I know." For a couple more seconds, he let himself watch Chris. After a while, he forced himself to stop. He ignored the burning sensation in his skin from the heavenly fire of the curse as he locked up his emotions and buried them deep inside his heart. "Let's go."

* * *

 **Chris**

 _Chris had ran as fast as his legs would carry him to the Institute, praying that Emma hadn't gone to Los Angeles yet. He ignored the fact that there were sirens blaring outside as he thrust the doors open, drenched from the rain that had been pouring outside._

 _Emma was holding multiple bags, most likely for her trip to Los Angeles. She looked up and immediately dropped whatever she was doing. "Chris, what are you doing here? You passed your test, and you're injured! You shouldn't be training right now. It could hurt you." Emma sheathed Cortana_ _ **(a sword)**_ _and put a hand on his shoulder carefully. "What's wrong?"_

 _She saw the deep cuts on his hands from the incident in the training room in the institute and frowned deeply, concern evident on her face. "Now tell me what's wrong before I call your mother and tell her that you're here. I bet she's worried sick about you."_

" _Can I stay here?" He blurted out, but then realized that none of that made sense. "Please…just for a couple of months so that I can get my own place?"_

" _What's wrong, Chris?" Emma asked sternly. "Why do you need to stay here?"_

" _Nothing. It's fine." Chris made himself force a grin. "I just…" he looked at his injured hands. "I need a place to stay."_

 _Emma took a good look at his face. "Look, if you don't trust me, that's fine." She drew a key from deep within her gear and tossed it at him. "Those are for the guest rooms. You explain the situation to me later." She sighed as she looked at her things. "Look, I have to go to the LA institute."_

" _I thought you weren't going until tomorrow."_

 _She grimaced. "Ty and Livvy are going to become parabatai, and-" The word parabatai felt like a sharp stab. "and…" She lifted up her hand and revealed a small ring._

 _It was Julian's Blackthorn family ring. This meant that…Chris looked up at Emma's smiling face. She was glowing with happiness._

" _Oh my gosh, Emma! Did Julian-_

 _She nodded. "Yes, he did."_

" _Congrats!"_

" _Thanks, but…" She breathed slowly. "but… but you need to tell me what's wrong." Emma said._

" _I left the house." Chris managed to choke out, "I left the Lightwood manor. I left my home."_

 _Emma seemed shocked. "Why would you-_

" _I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to feel so miserable when my mom is so…I mean, Clary's clearly happy and content without me. I wanted her to start a new chapter of her life without me. and I…" He stopped, finally letting tears flow down his face as Emma embraced him with shut tightness and intensity that he kept crying. He didn't remember the last time he truly felt comforted by a person's embrace without there being a danger to it. This was the moment when it all hit him; the moment when he realized that he had really left the home he'd grew up in and the home that he'd come to love. "She…doesn't need me there anymore. I can tell that she doesn't want me there, and I remind her so much of dad-" His breath hitched, but he continued, "I want her to be happy, and if she can be happy with me there, then…" He took a deep breath. "Then maybe I shouldn't be there. Maybe I don't belong."_

" _Oh, Chris." Emma looked him deep in the eyes. "I understand, but you do realize that the reason it hurts so much for her to look at you isn't your fault? She doesn't despise you at all."_

" _I don't want to hurt her."_

" _She has to get over it if she wants her son back, and she will. Clary once told me that the true heroes are the ones who hold on, no matter how hard it gets." Emma looked down at the floor. "To be honest, I think she needs you there more than anybody else. You're the one who reminds her who she truly is when she gets lost in the illusion of who people think she is."_

" _I just don't know if I can take it." Chris' breathing had slowed a little._

" _I understand that, Chris." Emma smiled lightly. "You can stay as long as you want, but promise me that you'll try to mend your relationship with your mother, alright?"_

 _Chris thought for a moment. Did he really want to mend the broken relationship with his mother when it seemed unfixable? To tell the truth, he wanted to. He just didn't know how…but he would try. "A-Alright."_

" _Can you open a portal for me?" Emma asked, "I mean, if you're okay with it?_

" _Sure." Chris opened up small portal for her and watched as she put one foot through the portal._

" _I'll see you soon, alright?"_

" _See ya."_

The sirens had been blaring for hours now, and Chris had finally gotten inside the Great Hall. He couldn't stop his eyes from wandering and searching for Xav.

Then he spotted him. Xav looked as good as ever in Chris' eyes, but the first thing that he noticed was Xav's hand gripped tightly in Magnus' palm. Chris tried to lock eyes with Xav to give him some sort of a questioning look, but Cav never looked his way. It was like Xav was deliberately trying to ignore him.

Finally, Xav looked at him with a pained expression as if he wanted to say something to him. Something that he couldn't possibly say out loud. Even though Chris would like to hope otherwise, Xav's attention was quickly reverted back to Magnus as Magnus whispered something in Xav's ear and they turned the other way.

Chris knew something was up, and he wanted to question Xav, even though he knew that they weren't supposed to be seeing each other without anybody else around because they got carried away easily. He forced himself to wait until the meeting was over as he prayed to the angel that whatever he'd just seen hadn't been what he thought it was. _He wouldn't do that,_ Chris promised himself in an almost agonized and pleading sort of way. _He wouldn't mess with your heart._

The loud crowd of seelies, warlocks, Shadowhunters, vampires and werewolves were immediately silenced by the appearance of the Consul, Aline Penhallow. Aline had recently become Consul after her mother had stepped down.

"We are gathered here today because as most of you already know, the demon attacks have been getting worse. Demons used to not even be able to enter Idris, but now they're getting all the way to Alicante! It started out as once a month, then twice, then once a week, and now the attacks are coming every day, and none of us are safe. We don't know who or what is causing these attacks, but whatever it is, every sort of Nephilim or faerie or warlock or downworlder is in danger." Aline declared, "I would like to declare a state of worldwide crisis and lockdown Idris. I won't let anybody go in or out."

Chris immediately remembered Emma and how she'd left the night before, and how she'd smiled when she'd left Idris. This must've been why. She knew that she'd be trapped here without Julian. That was why she'd been so desperate to leave. She must've known.

"Anybody who wishes to leave may leave now. You have twenty four hours." Many waves of protest flared from the crowd. "I apologize. I feel awful, I really do, but I can't risk opening up our borders for more Shadowhunters when we're in a crisis like this."

"What does that do for us?" One of the vampires asked.

"Yes, how will it help us?" The seelies questioned.

Aline frowned. "I…don't know. That's why I called this meeting. We have to keep everything and everyone safe, according to the Accords. Sed lex, dura lex. The law is hard, but it is the law."

Mark Blackthorn and Kieran King-son stepped forward, hand in hand. **(Yeeesss my OTP)** "We will provide sanctuary to any person of any clan who would like to not be trapped here."

Anybody could tell that Aline was grateful. "Thank you so much. You have no idea how grateful I am."

"Your welcome."

"The Hotel Dumort should have some empty space, even if it isn't the safest place, it is available as sanctuary if there is ever a case in which nowhere else is safe." Raphael spoke up as well.

"The wolves can provide help with protection for any person, downworlder or shadowhunter." Luke said as he scratched his graying hair, "I'm sure you guys could use extra border patrol and security. Of course, we'd only do that if we had shelter provided for ourselves as well."

"Of course, Lucian." Aline was smiling. "I hope that all of you will contribute in finding the cause of these demon attacks before they get any worse. Thank you all so much for you cooperation."

Chris was glad that Emma had left before the lockdown began. She was with the people she loved, and that was all that mattered. Chris also had a new home in Idris, at least, for now he did. He would take care of the institute while she was gone. It was better to have somebody who knew and cared about the institute take care of it rather than have a stranger run it for who knew how long.

He tried to shut off the pain when he realized he'd never get the sort of happiness that Emma would get. He hated himself for thinking like this, for associating everything and everyone with the stupid curse.

His gaze flipped back to Xav, and his heart was shattered in a matter of seconds.

* * *

 **Xav(I'm sorry. That's all I have to say. I'm very, very sorry. You saw it coming.)**

Xavier found it almost impossible to only look at Magnus during the meeting. The only thing that stopped him from locking eyes with his parabatai was the thought that he would be possibly making the curse move farther than it already had by doing so. _You're doing the right thing. You're going to save lots of people. You're doing the right thing, you're doing the right thing, you're doing the right thing,_ he repeated over and over in his mind. _You're doing the right thing._

As Aline finished declaring the lockdown, Xav looked up at Magnus and saw that he looked awful. _Of course,_ Xav thought. Magnus lived in Brooklyn; he was the high warlock.

 _Are you okay?_ Xav mouthed.

 _I'll be fine._ Magnus mouthed back, then tilted his head so that his lips were at Xav's ear. "When do you want to do it?"

Xav almost shuddered at the thought of it, but reminded himself why he was doing it in the first place. _For Chris. For my family. For everyone I care about._ "As soon as everything settles down?"

"Yeah," Magnus breathed. "sure." Xav nodded, a feeling of dread filling his stomach. Doubt crept into his mind as he went through the plan in his mind again. _Are you sure you're doing the right thing?_ The other voice in his mind started to scream, pleading with the other side to stop. _You're not doing the right thing! You're not doing the-_

 _Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up!_ The inner war inside his heart wasn't calming down. _Shut up and follow the plan!_

Xav hadn't even noticed that Magnus had been trying to get his attention. "It's now or never, shadowhunter. Chris is about to leave."

Xav could've stopped the plan. He could've done something to prevent what was about to happen next, and yet he chose his brain over his heart, building up more carefully-crafted walls around his heart, sealing itself from pain.

He continued to search through his mind for reasons to go against his foolish plan, and then Magnus' lips were on his, and Xav wasn't allowed to think anymore. All he could do was kiss him back and act as if his ear wasn't tearing itself apart on the inside. Regret filling his mind, he realized that this stupid plan could either save him or ruin his life forever.

No, it wasn't just the stupid kiss. It was the fact that Xav knew that Chris had been watching the whole thing. It was that he'd lied. It was that…Xav felt disgusting. He didn't even have the courage to look him in the eyes. Why would he just take Chris' heart and smash it into little bits in mere seconds? Didn't he love him? Hadn't Xav said that he loved Chris? The evidence was there, right on his hands, and yet he'd decided to break the heart of the person he loved the most in this world and all others. _Why?_

It was exhilarating, but it didn't feel right. It was red hot and he could feel Magnus' breath as they kissed. It shouldn't feel this _wrong_ , but it did. It felt like the most wrong thing he'd ever done. He didn't think he could take it, not anymore. Magnus finally pulled away, and although to the outsider it might have looked as if he was overjoyed, Xav could tell that Magnus also knew that they had made a grave mistake. Although it was a mistake, it could be the mistake that saved all of their lives.

The pain was deeper than any sort of cut that could be made by a blade. It felt like thousands of demon fangs were sticking into his heart along with several seraph blades. Along with that, his heart felt as if it was being lit on fire by the very heavenly fire that dominated his veins. It was the worst sort of feeling that he'd ever felt in his life. Though the webbed lines were still on his hands, he no longer felt the heavenly fire. He'd took his emotions and locked them away, throwing the key into a deep dark abyss inside his heart. There would be no feelings taking over his heart, not anymore. It was as if that part of him was gone.

* * *

 **Please don't kill me for sinking your ship…briefly. I can't handle them being apart for that long either, I swear. Plot reasons suck! Anyway, have a nice day.**

 **~Sara**


	4. Dreaming of You

**Heeeeelllo! So I've been working on the other fanfics(I promise I'm still planning on writing them lol), so that's why it took me so long to update. If you've read QoAaD, then when I upload the Kitty(Kit/Ty) fanfic, you should check it out! :) Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter because I worked really hard on it. Just a warning: there's a lot going on in the chapter.**

 **~Sara**

 **Also, thanks to Horses8 for giving me some inspo for this chp :)**

 ***dIsClAiMeR: I don't own tMi***

" **As long as I dream, I will dream of you."**

 **~Jace Herondale, City Of Glass**

* * *

 **Xav**

"Look, Magnus. Maybe you can just…"

"I can just what, Xavier? I can just suck it up? I'm stuck in Idris, which is the place I want to be least! Why did I even agree to this plan in the first place?" Magnus replied, "I could be stuck here for the rest of your life! What am I supposed to do now?"

"I don't know, maybe you should just suck it up because you're immortal, and it doesn't matter how long you stay here, because for you, centuries pass by in the blink of an eye!"

"What are we doing now, rhyming?" Magnus shook his head. "I don't understand how I ever thought that any of this was a good idea. I was willing to go through with the plan, but I didn't think that I couldn't go home! I'm stuck in Idris without any of my things!"

Xav rolled his eyes. "Is that seriously your biggest concern right now?"

"YES, and I wouldn't even be here if it wasn't for your stupidity!"

Magnus had finally crossed the line. Xav hadn't even wanted to be Chris' parabatai in the first place. The only reason that they'd even recited the parabatai oath was because Xav knew how much Chris cared about Lily. If Lily died, then there was almost no family left for him. Xav had to make a choice, and what he chose wasn't what he'd desired. He found himself regretting the decision more every day that passed. "I didn't want to be his parabatai!"

"Then why are you two parabatai? Does he not love you back, or is this some sort of sick joke to keep me from doing my job, which may I remind you is in Brooklyn? Are you faking the curse?"

"No!" How could Magnus even accuse him of doing such a thing? Magnus knew how much Xav had been suffering, and yet because they were arguing, he decided to accuse him of faking the very thing that was tearing him apart. Xav regretted even kissing the bastard, but he was too deep in the web of lies that he'd crafted to stop now.

"Then why did you even become parabatai if you were in love with Chris?" Magnus questioned, "Couldn't you have just _not_ performed the ceremony?"

"I never wanted to!"

"You're not answering my question, and you're testing my patience. What do you mean, 'never wanted to?'" Magnus had his hands on his hips now.

Xav was exasperated at this point, but he kept on arguing just for the heck of it. "It's all my fault. I told Chris to draw a rune on his sister, Lily because we were stuck in a fire in the Lightwood Manor and she could've died, but it ended up making everything worse. If we'd just waited a little bit longer for help, then we wouldn't even be parabatai! Lily might never be able to bear any runes because of the damage we inflicted on her!" Xav yelled, "and whenever somebody mentions her, I can see the fucking pain that it causes Chris. I blamed myself for everything! That's why I did it, Magnus. It's because I thought that maybe if she died, I could still say that I tried to save her." He shook his head. "Lily was sent off to go live with mundanes because she can't bear runes. We didn't tell Chris where she really went, because if we did, he would fall apart. And it-" Xav's voice cracked. "I-it's all my fault."

As Xav talked, the look of annoyance on Magnus' face changed. "I didn't know, Xavier. I'm sorry for assuming things."

"and now everything that I care about is at risk because of some stupid m-mistake I made and I don't know how I'm supposed to take it! I'm so scared that one day I'll just lose control and everything will go wrong!"

Magnus put a hand on his shoulder. "You don't have to be afraid-

"I'm always going to be afraid!" Xav shouted, breaking down.

All of a sudden, he was in Magnus' arms, a hand on his mouth as he tried to stop tears from coming. His whole body shook from the choked gasps followed by tears flowing out of his eyes. He kept trying to hold in his emotions, but they always ended up just spilling back out of him. He felt powerless against himself. He gripped tightly against Magnus as if it was the only thing keeping him steady. He thought would never feel safe as long as the curse was lingering, but right then, he did feel safe, but in a different way.

"I can't believe I'm letting you rub snot all over my shirt." Magnus laughed lightly as if trying to change the mood.

Xav let go quickly. "I'm sorry for letting you see me like this." He wiped tears from his face.

Magnus had let him cry. Xav realized that even if he was always afraid, he could still find comfort in the people that he cared about. In that moment, it was as if some of the heavenly fire in his veins had vanished.

"Thank you for letting me rub snot into your shirt," Xav managed to choke out as he snorted, and then coughed from suddenly laughing after several minutes of crying.

"You owe me a shirt, Xavier."

 **A/N: this is kind of short, sorry. I feel like this chapter works better from Xav's point of view.**

 **Chris**

* * *

Chris couldn't breathe. It was as if there were millions of weights on his chest keeping him from breathing, but if he took the weight off, then he'd have to accept what he'd just seen in the Accords Hall. He'd finally have to wake up from the trance that he was stuck in.

Xav and Magnus…What were they to each other, exactly? _They're nothing, Chris._ He told himself, yet waves of doubt filled his mind each time he closed his eyes as he remembered the way that Magnus had his arms wrapped around Xav tightly as Xav moved his fingers through Magnus' hair. The _way_ that they looked at each other was even worse. It was a look that Chris had never seen Xav have. Whether it was confusion, anger, happiness, lust…Chris had no idea.

When had that even happened? While Chris had been in the infirmary? _No, Xav wouldn't do that. Would he…?_ He found his mind running around in circles of doubt as he searched for answers to why that would even happen.

The curse was still there on his skin. At least, it was for him. Who knew what Xav's arms looked like right now? Were they completely clear? Chris didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to know whether his feelings were reciprocated or not. He didn't want to feel anymore. He just didn't know what to think anymore; he doubted that Xav would talk to him alone anymore, considering the fact that the curse had spread the last time that they were alone together.

Was he seriously incapable of loving and being loved? It was like every time he thought that somebody cared about him, something would happen. His dad was dead, his mom was angry, Lily had left, and Xav…he didn't even know about Xav anymore. He couldn't trust him anymore.

When he couldn't hold his breath any longer, he laughed with a sort of choking noise, tears flowing down his face. His lungs felt like they were on fire. As he continued to surrender his emotions, the burning feeling grew worse and worse until his body shook with hacking coughs. Crying only made his breathing worsen, and when he fell to his knees, he felt the heavenly fire scorch his lungs.

The pain was awful. It wasn't just physical pain; it was also the pain of the fact that Xav had betrayed him in a way that he thought he never would. It wasn't just that. It was the fact that everybody he cared about had abandoned him or betrayed him. Why was his life like this? Why did he have to put all of his trust in somebody just to have it all thrown back at his face? But then again, somebody had to care. If nobody cares about you, do you really exist at all?

All of a sudden, everything in his sight seemed to dim. Chris felt the heavenly fire move from his lungs and throat to his lips and then felt as it spewed out of his body and across the room.

After that, his vision brightened. Chris clawed at his throat, which was so scorched at this point that he couldn't cry for help. Not that there was anybody in the institute.

Now, he really couldn't breathe. His body was literally burning from the inside out. He reached for his stele and then realized that it was in a different room, so he couldn't give himself an iratze. He didn't think that he could take it any longer. He thought…no, knew that he was going to die. The whole room was burning as he coughed out fire at everything in his sight. _Help._ He needed an iratze soon, or else he would die. That, he knew for sure.

There were black, charred bits of the wall falling down now, and Chris didn't have the strength to move out of the way of the piece of wood that was right above him. He had no other way to get out of the situation.

 _Please._ Chris thought as he took a small chunk of wood from the floor next to him and stabbed it into his parabatai rune.

Then the wood fell.

 **Xav**

* * *

"If the heavenly fire in your veins has stopped spreading, then it means something else, Xavier. It might not exactly be a good thing."

"So everything we did in the great hall was for nothing?"

"That's not what I meant." Magnus took a deep breath. "It's just something that I…didn't expect."

"What do you mean?" Xav demanded.

"Relax, it's not that big of a deal." Magnus said as he waved his fingers around, blue sparks flying in all sorts of directions. "You love Christopher, right? More than anything?"

"I love him." Those three words slipped out of his mouth without a thought. "But what does that have to do with the heavenly fire stopping?"

"If you love him, then what I was thinking can't be true."

"Just tell me. Telling me won't do any harm."

"I once knew two parabatai who loved each other, but then one of them fell in love with another person and was in love with both his parabatai and a different woman. The curse was broken, and the first sign that it was slowing down was the heavenly fire suddenly disappearing." Magnus sighed. "That's why it can't be true. You're in love with Christopher."

"You're right. It can't be-" Xav's voice was suddenly cut off. Instead of continuing with what he was gonna say, there was a choking noise coming from his throat.

"Xavier?" Magnus said, putting a hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong? Did I make you upset? Hey, Xavier. Hey!"

There was a strange burning noise followed by the smell of smoke.

Xav's hand was wrapped around tightly where his parabatai rune was, coughing as he reached for his stele. "-stele." Xav coughed out. "Chris."

Magnus almost stumbled and fell over as he grabbed Xav's stele and handed it to him. Xav let out a gasp of relief as soon as the tip of the stele hit his skin. "T-thanks, Magnus."

"What happened?"

"I think Chris did that." Xav coughed lightly. "There's something wrong with my rune."

"Like…he hurt himself, or-

"No, it felt like I was burning. I think something happened at the institute." Xav replied slowly, his hand still lingering above his parabatai rune.

"Well…should we go check on him?"

"Y-Yeah. I think so."

 _If something happened I swear in the angel's name…_ If Chris was hurt, or worse… His whole world started crashing down.

 **At the institute.**

* * *

"Oh my god." Xav gasped.

There was fire everywhere in the institute. The flames weren't spreading anywhere other than the center of the institute, where the training room was, and Xav knew that that was where Chris spent all of his free time. _Chris, why do you have to be so stupid all the time?_ There wasn't much evidence, but Xav could tell. He knew for sure that the flames that were burning red hot in the institute was heavenly fire. "We have to get in there." He looked at Magnus, who was staring off somewhere in the distance. "Now, Magnus!"

"Right." Magnus muttered, opening a portal, blue sparks springing from his fingertips in the process.

As soon as Xav stepped out of the portal, he tried not to let out a scream at what he saw.

There was a stele on the floor next to where there was a concentration of flames. It was Chris' stele.

He walked a couple more steps, expecting to see a wounded Chris, but that was not what he saw. Instead, he and Magnus saw a pool of blood and a bloodied wooden stick next to it.

"That must've been what happened earlier, but what now…?" Xav muttered. "Where the hell is he?"

"Maybe he got out of here."

"No. I would know. Something doesn't feel right. Something's wrong with him." Xav's fingers still lingered where his parabatai rune was. "It's like he's unconscious or…or worse." Xav prayed to the angel that that was all that it was.

Magnus pointed towards the drops of blood in front of them. The blood was moving in a path towards the more heavy concentrations of heavenly fire.

Xav didn't care that the whole institute was on fire. He just wanted, no, needed Chris to be alright. He immediately blamed himself for going through with a stupid plan that would probably have no effect anyway. After thinking that, he felt a stab of pain in his heart as well. He shook it off, putting all of his thoughts and focus into Chris and only Chris.

Seeing Chris' blood on the floor only made it worse. He couldn't help but wonder if this was all his fault. After all, he was the one who had gotten the effects of the curse first. He remembered the day at Alec's funeral when he peeled back his glove to find huge, webbed lines all over his hand. _This is all my fault. If he's hurt…or worse…_

"Xavier! I think he's over here!"

"By the angel.." Xav didn't even have time to say any more as he ran over to the body underneath a pile of wood, which was covered in heavenly fire. He didn't care about the pain that he was going to be in if he tried to lift the wood off. His stele was so deep in his gear that he wasn't even going to bother getting it out.

He could recognize that hair anywhere. The skin, the clothes, the hair…it was all Chris. Xav looked his emotions deep in his heart.

"Magnus." Xav locked eyes with him. "Help me."

Magnus looked upset. "I can't use my magic inside an institute's training room. I'd be breaking the accords if I used it." **(Okay, this isn't true, but… PLOT REASONS, OK?)**

Xav had his hands on the wood as he tried to lift it up. His fingers were red hot, yet it wouldn't budge. "Please, Magnus. Please. I'm begging you. Please, Magnus! Please!" There was a desperate look in his face that he'd never had before. He would do anything to get Chris out from other there. He would even switch places with him.

It was as if a part of Magnus had melted. "A-Alright. You can't tell anybody I used magic. Y-you owe me."

"Yeah." Xav managed to choke out. "I owe you a shirt and many other things."

Magnus held his hands out and let the blue light flow towards the wood. "I can't hold it much longer than this!" He cried as he pulled it upwards. "The heavenly fire is burning me!"

Xav quickly snapped out of his trance and pulled Chris away from the heavenly fire, ignoring the urge to run his fingers in Xav's hair and kiss him. Xav finally felt relieved. "Thank the angel." Xav changed his gaze to Magnus and his burned skin. "No…thank you, Magnus."

"Take care of him. You're welcome." Magnus said quickly.

Chris wasn't badly damaged, but his breathing was slow. Xav pressed his head against Chris' chest, listening to his heartbeat. _He's safe._ Xav ignored the feeling that filled his chest whenever he looked at him. "By the angel…"

Only then, he realized how much he loved him. He remembered how the curse started. He remembered the reason why he fell for Chris in the first place.

"Xav?" Chris' eyes opened. There was something off about him.

"By the angel, Chris. Don't ever worry me like that ever. Never again, Chris." Xav ran his fingers through his hair. "I love you."

"I…" Chris stiffened. There was something off about Chris' voice that Xav couldn't detect. "Can you take me to my mother?" There was something missing from his usual tone.

Then, Xav realized what was missing. _He didn't say it back. He didn't say I love you._

* * *

 **I just want to dedicate this chapter to Ruth M. I haven't done this in a while, but I just want to say how grateful I am that you've been reading my writing since the beginning, and I hope you like this chapter! :)**

 **Anyways, do you guys want a Magnus, Chris and Xav love triangle thing going on with Xav in the middle of it or no? I set it up a little, but I can still go back to Xris if u want. After all, this is the UNEXPECTED series! Lemme know what u think. I know it's weird and unplanned, but I guess I like the ship a lot.**

 **Love u!**

 **~Sara**


	5. Don't Think

**I decided that I do want a little Xav/Magnus in this story as well, but I promise there isn't any polyamorous relationships or anything in this story, just a plain old love triangle.**

 **New fanfic info later.**

 **~Sara**

* * *

 **Clary**

 **(A/N: You know I have to put in some clabastian.)**

* * *

Of course she was worried about Christopher. He was her son, after all. Her very first son. She knew that she'd been awful to him, even neglectful. She'd been so ignorant that she'd forgotten that the past is what helps you learn what you did wrong in the past so that you can look to the future. She'd forgotten about her old life. She'd been ignoring him while looking forward and starting a brand new life.

She was happy, and yet she wasn't at the same time. She was happy with Gabriel and Gideon and Sebastian, she truly was, but when she saw Chris, all she could see was Alec. He reminded her so much of him.

Then her perfect world began to crumble as she remembered the time when Alec was her everything, and no matter how much she wanted to forget it, he would always be a part of her life. Those memories would never fade away.

To tell the truth, Clary still thought about Alec. Every single day, she'd lay in bed and think about what would've happened if Alec had just not gotten the demon pox. If Lily just hadn't been outside, or if she'd been there to protect him. He died from demon pox, just like his ancestor before him. **(Benedict Lightwood)** That's why it hurt so much to look at Chris. Every time she saw him, she saw Alec when he took his final breath. When he told her that he loved her.

So yes, she'd been cold for the past few weeks, focusing on the twins and Sebastian, but it was only because she didn't want to think about the past. It hurt too much.

"Hey, are you alright?" Sebastian said, coming from behind her with the twins in his arms. "Do you want to hold Gideon?"

The twins, although born at the same time, were completely different. It seemed to be that Gideon got more angelic blood, while Gabriel had gotten more demon blood. Their features were completely different as well. The way that Clary could tell them apart was their contrasting black and white hair. **(Like Draco and Harry, basically.)**

"Y-yeah. Sure." She said, taking Gideon into her arms.

"What's on your mind?" Sebastian asked, sitting down beside her. **(Oh my godddd I still love this ship)**

Clary knew she could trust in Sebastian. "It's…Chris."

Sebastian looked at her with concern. He knew how much Chris leaving had hurt her, and even though she seemed to be handling it well, now he didn't know whether or not how she was acting was real or not. "What is it?"

"I'm worried about him."

"I know Clary. He'll come back, I'm sure of it."

"That's not what I'm worried about." Clary sighed. "It's the fact that I might have ruined my relationship with my son. I'm a terrible mother."

"No, you're not." Sebastian said, moving his hand to cup her cheek. "You're perfect." They kissed, and Clary forgot her worries as she melted into it. It was strange how somebody could do this to her. It was like she was sixteen again, not having to worry about anybody other than herself. She lived for this feeling, for his touch.

The moment of bliss didn't last very long. The doors to the Lightwood Manor burst open. "Clarissa!"

"Magnus?" Clary stood up, Gideon still in her arms, and Sebastian right behind her. Magnus was in the doorway, holding somebody who was limp in his arms. Zag was right next to him.

"It's Chris." Said Xavier. She could hear the unsteadiness in his voice, although he was trying to keep his emotions under control. Chris was his parabatai. Of course he was worried.

Clary jumped into action, taking Chris from Magnus and setting him down in front of the fireplace where she and Sebastian had been moments before. After she drew an iratze on him, she whipped around and glared at Magnus.

"What happened to him?!"

"We don't exactly…know."

"Then how'd you find him like this? What happened?" Clary said, her rage taking control of her emotions.

Chris looked awful. He was red everywhere. The only way you could tell that he was her son was his eyes, which were wide open. Lightwood eyes. _Wait a minute. If his eyes are open, then…he's awake._ Clary wanted to cry. _He can feel the pain._ His gear was untouched because of its special properties, but his leg was completely charred. Clary was scared that he'd never walk again.

Clary glared at Magnus. "Magnus, if you don't talk to me, I swear to the angel-

Xavier stepped in front of him defensively. "Chris stuck something into his parabatai rune and I felt it. I don't know what really happened, but the institute was burning down."

Clary's mouth dropped. "The _institute?_ That's impossible. The institute can't burn down with normal fire."

"Then how am I supposed to explain the institute literally on fire? I know what I saw."

"It can't burn down! I put the protection runes on the institute myself!" Clary said, fear creeping into her voice. 'What could've possibly broken the protection those runes provided?"

"There were traces of heavenly fire in the building." Magnus said softly.

"O-oh." Clary stutter, putting a hand to her head. "How could I have been so stupid?" She never thought that she'd have the need to create a rune that stopped heavenly fire, if that sort of rune could even be made. Sure, there several types of fire-protection runes, but those didn't do anything against heavenly fire. Fire runes also reminded her of the first and only rune that Lily would ever get.

Xavier came back to them from Chris' side, a panicked expression on his face. "The iratze isn't working. Mrs. Lightw-Clary, what do we do?"

"I-I'm not sure." Clary's whole world was stopping yet again. As soon as one problem was solved, another one arose. She wanted to cry, but she didn't have time to. All of her energy and thoughts were complete focused on saving Chris.

"What do you mean, not sure?" It was Xavier's turn to be angry at Clary for being indecisive in a moment like this. "You have to be sure. Don't you love your son? Don't you care?"

"Of course I care, Herondale!" Clary snapped. "I want to save my son! I want ease his pain! Hell, I'd even trade positions with him if I could!"

"So then stop whining and do something!"

* * *

 **Xav**

Chris' leg was completely charred, but the rest of him was unharmed, at least on the outside that was it seemed to be. Xav felt stupid. Stupid for leaving Chris alone in the institute when he knew that he was emotionally unstable and upset over everything with his mother. How could he have chosen to spend time with Magnus and let himself cry when his parabatai was suffering things worse than he could ever imagine?

 _Stop. Whining in your head isn't going to help him._ The brief moments that Chris was conscious had given Xav a reminder. A reminder of how much he loved Chris, and also the dangers of what could happen if he let the curse take control. At least, that was what Xav thought had happened to Chris. His thoughts were focused solely on Chris.

"So how did he manage to get just his leg this charred?" Clary asked as she continued to hold up her stele. Xav knew that she was doing everything she could to try and create a new rune to save her son.

"He was underneath a pile of wood." Xav responded.

Clary frowned. "How did you get him out without charring your own hands? That should be impossible."

"I burnt them, but they aren't charred." Xav said, glancing at his burnt fingers. They seemed to have healed after he'd drawn an iratze there. "Wait…how come an iratze didn't work for Chris?"

"Special circumstances? I don't know…" Clary turned to look at Magnus. "Did you help? Wait, you couldn't have… that would've been you breaking the Accords because you're in Idris and you can't use magic unless it's an emergency."

"Wasn't that an emergency?"

"To me, yes. To the clave, no. To them, my son is replaceable since I already have three other children." Clary said, her voice trembling slightly.

Magnus looked at Xav and they locked eyes for a moment. _Don't_ , Magnus seemed to say. Xav nodded, but it was barely noticeable.

Clary seemed to see through Magnus, despite his efforts to look as if he did nothing. "You…broke the Accords for my son?"

Magnus gulped and then nodded.

Clary paused, throwing her arms around Magnus. "Thank you." She said after she let go.

"It wasn't as if I really was going to." Magnus said slowly, as if calculating the exact words he was going to speak. "Xav begged me to lift the burning wood off of him with my magic."

Clary smiled, looking at them both. "You've really fallen this time, haven't you?" She looked at Magnus. "I wouldn't have expected it."

 _What?_ Xav had almost blurted out, but then he realized what Clary was talking about, and felt a little bit of warmth in his stomach. He yelled at himself internally, focusing on Chris.

"Oh my god! I've got it!" Clary shrieked, holding her stele and pressing it against Chris, explaining as she drew. "Love. That's the thing I need." She looked at Xav. "Friendship love. _Philia_ , or _Eros_. Romantic love. In this case, since Chris doesn't have a significant other-"

 _That you know about._ Was what Xav thought.

"Xav, you have to help me with this rune." Clary looked at him. "You have to help my son. If you truly love him a way a parabatai should love, then this should work."

Xav immediately began to worry that his mixture of Philia and Eros would mess up the rune, but he concluded to the fact that since the runes he and Chris gave each other were extra powerful, this might be as well.

"Alright."

"I want you to put a hand on Chris' leg-" Xav inhaled sharply, but then started coughing as if he was choking. "-and recite the parabatai oath while thinking about the reasons why you love him."

 _Oh god._ Xav thought.

"It should heal him." Clary smiled. "Thank you again, Xav."

He couldn't say no. "Why can't you do it, Mrs. Light-I mean, Morgenstern?"

"I'm already using more of my strength than I usually do. I can't risk using any more, or I might pass out." She turned to Magnus. "Magnus, can you give Xavier some of your strength?"

"A-Alright." Magnus replied.

"Okay, let's do this." Clary drew the rune on Chris and then motioned for Xav to touch where the rune was.

As soon as Xav touched the rune, it lit up as if it had been activated by his touch. It glowed in a mixture of yellow and red colors. _Friendship and love,_ Xav thought, but he kept the thoughts to himself.

"Recite the oath." Clary said calmly. "This is going to work, I know it."

"Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee." Xav said softly, staring at Chris' flushed cheeks. _Please don't leave me._ "For whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God."

All eyes were on him as he recited the oath. "You can do this, Xav." Clary said when she heard a tremble in his voice.

"Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried." Xav's voice cracked, and tears were in his eyes. _Please don't die._ The rune glowed brighter and brighter with each word of the oath. "The Angel do so to me, and more also…"

Chris' eyes fluttered open as if waking up from a long dream or trance. "If aught but death part thee and me." He whispered softly, coughing because he'd strained his voice.

"By the angel." Xav cried out. "I was so worried."

Clary was in tears, and Sebastian put his arm around her. "Chris." She muttered softly, almost scared to look at him after the argument that they'd had.

"M-mom?"

"I'm sorry." Clary shook her head, as if not believing this was real. "I'm so, so sorry."

"I'm sorry too, and I…forgive you." Chris said softly.

* * *

 **Chris**

In his dream, he had been stuck in a tornado-like thing made of heavenly fire as it continued to drain his energy. He was surrounded by his burning hopes and dreams as the heavenly fire grew in strength and began to consume him.

Then he heard it. Xav's voice softly reciting the parabatai oath, bringing light into the dark room, extinguishing the flames, and giving him relief.

" _Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee-_

 _For whither thou goest, I will go,  
_ _And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.  
_ _Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God."_

Chris had felt tears fall onto his skin. _Xav._

" _The Angel do so to me, and more also…"_

This was it. This was when he had to make a choice. To wake up and be brought back to where all his troubles weren't burning, to wake up and bury himself in self-pity and shame. The only reason that he chose to woke up was for Xav. Xav was always the person that brought him back. Xav was the one person who could wake him up.

He opened his eyes. "If aught but death part thee and me." The words of the oath were true.

Chris would go where Xav went. He would stay where Xav stayed. Xav's people would be his people, and Xav's god would be his. Most importantly of all, if anything but death parted them…it would be the end of them both.

Xav's eyes were widened with relief, concern, and something undetectable.

Clary clung to Sebastian, tears of relief in her eyes. "Chris." She spoke slowly, considering what she was going to say.

"M-mom?" He missed her, he truly did, but he didn't know what to say except-

"I'm sorry." Clary shook her head. "I'm so, so sorry."

"I'm sorry too, and I…I forgive you." Chris responded, locking eyes with his mother. He felt guilty for almost dying without saying goodbye to her. Even if she was an awful person at times, she was still his mother. His only mother.

She wrapped her arms around him softly. Chris saw Magnus lingering in a corner. "Hey, Magnus?"

Magnus looked up, shocked that he was being spoken to.

"Thank you."

"For what?"

"Saving me."

 **Short time jump…2 hrs later.**

 **I think you guys will like this :)**

Chris was sitting alone, left alone to his thoughts. His mother had left with Sebastian and Magnus had gone back to the Herondale mansion. Why had he let his emotions take control of him when he knew that when he did, disaster would strike? He destroyed the institute even though he was the one who vowed to Emma that he would watch it in her absence.  
He'd taken training time away from hundreds of young shadowhunters. Every single minute they were wasting was another minute closer to their inevitable deaths at a young age. That least that he could've done was kept the institute intact, and he couldn't even do that.  
"I'm a horrible shadowhunter." He mumbled softly.  
"No, you're not." Chris knew that voice. It was a voice that would forever haunt both his good dreams and his nightmares. "You just made a mistake."  
"A mistake that can't be undone." Chris said back, not daring to open his eyes.  
The voice went silent. "Look, Chris. You can't move around forever."  
"What should I do, then? I obviously can't-" He closed his mouth. He'd already spoken too much.  
"You can't what?"  
"Nothing. Just go back to Magnus."  
"Chris, don't change the subject. I asked you-  
"If you want me to answer your question, you need to answer mine."  
"and what exactly is this question?"  
"Three words. Why Magnus Bane?"  
Xav opened and closed his mouth, as if thinking about how he was going to answer such a question. Or at least, that was what Chris assumed. He could've been thinking about Magnus, or worse.  
"Do I have to answer in words?" Xav asked in a whisper.  
Chris didn't respond.  
"I'm going to take that as a both." Xav said. "Look, I know how you feel right now." He sighed, frustrated. "I don't want to feel anything. I don't want to think about the consequences.I just want to live in the moment, right here, right now."  
He looked at Chris in the eyes, their eyes mirroring each other. "-and this is what I want to do."  
Xav kissed Chris as if he didn't care about what would happen to them after they did this. He didn't care, no...they didn't care.  
The consequences didn't matter because they were living in the moment, free of everything else. This was both wonderful and horrible at the same time, but they didn't care as long as they had each other.  
"Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee—For whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried. The Angel do so to me, and more also…If aught but death part thee and me." Their voices mirrored each other. Right then, the parabatai oath wasn't a curse. It was something that tied them together.  
Before they knew it, Xav was gently pushing Chris onto a bed. The rest of the night was a blur. **(It's rated T, folks.)  
** If only there was such a thing as a happy ending for Chris. Unfortunately, there was not.  
For the morning that both of them woke up, the black lines had spread across their body to everywhere but their faces.  
Why? There is always a price to pay for love.

* * *

 **I didn't have time to edit this chapter, so I'm sorry if this isn't the best writing I've done… I wish could give them a happy ending right now…but I can't! *cackles* I hope you guys liked this and I'm sorry I haven't been updating as much as I did in the summer, I've been busy with a lot of things both personal and school related. I hope you still have faith in me after giving Xav and Chris so much pain all the time...lol**

 **I just want to dedicate this chapter to Lullaby baby rock a by bye. Lullaby is going through a rough time right now so please send Lullaby some love if you can, because I'm sure she will appreciate it.**

 **~Sara**


	6. My Love is Forever

**Hi people!**

 **So...new fanfics. I have some ideas, but obviously I suck at trying to write multiple things at once, so…I'll just have to pick one after this unless you're okay with the updates on this being** _ **really**_ **irregular.**

 **I'll talk about ideas at the end of the chapter unless I forget. I have 2 clabastian, 1 kierark(Mark/Kieran), and 1 kitty(Kit/ty) idea. Wow… that's a lot. *sighs***

 **Sorry it took so long to update. I've been quite busy.. (Aka: lazy.) Really, really busy. (Lazy) wow this chapter is so long..**

 **~Sara**

* * *

 **Chris**

"Chris, please come out. If it's something I did, I'm sorry." **(Not That come out, the other come out! Lmaoooo I'm cringing at myself)** "Will you please open the door? I don't want to have to force it open."

"Mom, it's not something you did.." Chris said, sighing as he pressed his forehead against the bedroom door. Black lines from the curse were stretching all over his body. If somebody were to see it, they would obviously know what it was. At least, his mother would know what it was. He couldn't face his mother, he just couldn't, no matter how much he wanted to show her. When he thought about her reaction to him looking this way, a terrifying feeling came over him. The thought of how she would look at him, confused, surprised, and maybe even angry at him for hiding this secret for so long. He couldn't stand the thought of her heartbroken face. He'd just told her that they were going to make amends. He'd just told her that he'd forgiven her…and yet he was still keeping secrets from her.

There were many reasons for him to tell her, but he knew the exact reason why he didn't let her open the door.. at least, not yet. Out of every single he just didn't want her pity. Not after he'd taken so long to learn how to be strong. To figure things out on his own. He was the one that caused this problem, and he wanted to be the one to solve it. In that way, Chris thought that maybe he and his mother were similar. People always said he looked just like Alec but had inherited all of his mother's personality…everything except for the ability to wield a bow, which came from his father.

"Mom…" He didn't want to tell her, but he had to, and if he didn't tell her, she would eventually put the pieces together. He wanted her to hear it from him, and he wanted her to not blame herself. There were two different sides of him fighting to make a choice. He'd hidden this for almost a year, and since he was trying to mend his relationship with her, and if he wanted to learn to trust his mother, then maybe telling her was the first step on how he could in fact do that. How he could finally start opening up to her. "Y-You can open the door, mom."

He heard the sound of his mom's stele drawing the opening rune on the door, and then twisting the knob of his door. He knew what was coming. He closed his eyes and tried not to flinch when he heard her drop her stele.

Then there was silence.

"Why did you hide this from me?" Clary finally said. "Why _would_ you hide something like this from me?"

He let himself tell the truth. "I would've told you, mom, but it happened when you were literally in Hell, Mom."

"But then why did- why would you let Brother Zachariah perform the parabatai ceremony, then?" Clary demanded. "You could have told me something, you could've-

"I could've what? Let my baby sister die?" Chris exclaimed. "She's the only family I have left, and you…you sent her away! She's only six years old! Why not send me away instead?! Why not send all your kids away and start a new life with Gabriel and Gideon?" He covered his mouth immediately, ashamed that he was shifting the blame to his mother, once again. "I…didn't mean-

Clary looked away. "I get it. I know you don't want to talk to me. I should've realized, but… I wish you could've told me. Now, all we can do is go to the silent brothers."

"No, we can't." Chris' feet stayed firmly on the ground, daring her to question what he wanted to do. "We can't."

"Chris, if we don't tell somebody, you could-no, you _will_.. die."

"I'm not afraid of that." _I am afraid._

"You could kill others, too! You could destroy Alicante and Idris and everything else that you've cared about!"

"What does the curse truly do, anyway?" Chris locked eyes with his mother. "Does it turn me into a monster? Some sort of killing machine? Nobody tells me anything! I out of all people deserve to know, not you!"

Clary looked pale. "Do you really want to know?" Chris nodded. "You learned about true Nephilim, right? In your studies?"

Chris nodded. True Nephilim were their ancestors. The most powerful beings after angels themselves. They were giant, shadowhunter versions of angels. Though it was hard to imagine, they could kill somebody in the blink of an eye.

"Well, once you get to the final stage of the curse…you turn into one."

"And how is that a bad thing?" Chris asked. In his studies, true Nephilim were depicted as honorable warriors that fought demons. What could possibly be wrong with that? What was wrong with literally becoming a superhuman?

"These true Nephilim, the ones you turn into, they can't think straight. They can't tell the difference between mortals, Shadowhunters, downworlders and demons. All they do is kill, kill, kill. That's why if you become a true Nephilim, you will kill every single thing in your path, and eventually, you will kill Xav, or Xav will kill you." Clary looked down at the floor. "That's why I wish you told me about it when you were in the early stages. We would've had more time to find a possible cure."

Chris knew that he should have, but when he thought about it…the day that the curse first started to emerge on his skin was the day that his mother had disappeared, and after that, she was gone for six months. Now that he finally learned the truth, everything had changed. It wasn't just him who would be in danger, it was everybody in Idris. This was what Xav must've meant when he said that everybody could be in danger because of them. This was the truth that he needed to be told in order to make his decision. "You're right. I have to get my runes stripped. That's the only way I'll be able to live without feeling the guilt that I could possibly hurt some innocent person if I lose control of my emotions, and it's the only way to keep both me and Xav safe."

"And what about Xav?" Clary asked, "Shouldn't he have some sort of say in this?"

"He can be happy with someone else." Chris smiled lightly. "Love can fade away. That, I know for sure." He looked at Clary. Not in a cruel way, but in a way as if saying: _I knew you loved my father, but not anymore. The same way that once I leave, Xav will fall for Magnus… if he hasn't already in some way._

 **Magnus**

* * *

"You're so stupid." Magnus rolled his eyes at Xav. "What did you do this time?" It was as if every single time that Magnus felt as if he had accomplished something, something else came up. He couldn't refuse because Idris was locked up, and he had nowhere to go.

"Look at me! Can't you tell?!" Xav exclaimed, motioning towards his legs and the black lines all over them. What Magnus knew was that it was the worst stage of the parabatai curse. Once black lines spread all over their bodies, they would become true Nephilim.

"Actually, I'm not a psychic, I'm a warlock." **(Fun fact: It autocorrected to woman the first time I wrote)** Magnus rolled his eyes. "If you're trying to break the curse, then you shouldn't be going around doing stupid shit all the time!"

"I know, alright? Stop making me feel worse than I already do!" Xav said, his hand pressed against his now red parabatai rune.

"What could you have possibly done to-" Magnus turned red, and then covered his face in his hands in realization. "You slept with him, right?" His voice was muffled and exasperated. _Stupid hormonal teenage boys._ He thought that with a sense of warmth.

Xav crossed his arms. "I told you that you didn't want to hear me say it out loud."

Magnus shuddered. "Christopher without a shirt on…" It was more than that. It was the fact that Christopher annoyed him.

"Stop!" Xav cried out, cringing at the way that Magnus said it.

Magnus raised his voice an octave higher. "Oh, Chris-" Magnus waved his arms around, making kissing noises. To tell the truth, on the inside, he was annoyed and maybe a little bit angry at Christopher for breaking the rules against the parabatai curse so many times.

"Oh my god, Magnus!" Xav screeched, his face redder than his rune, although this voice was one full of laughter. Magnus chuckle. _I live for that laughter._

"What am I supposed to do? Not make fun of you?" Magnus laughed. "Okay, on a more-" He snorted. "O-on a m-more s-serious note, why the fuck would you do that?"

"I don't know! It was just an in the moment thing! I swear!"

"You can't have an _in the moment_ thing! You could literally die!"

"I know, I know, I know." Xav replied. "I'll be more careful next time-

"Next time? Do you really believe that you still have a next time? The _next time_ that happens, you'll die." Magnus looked him deep in the eyes. "-and I mean it." He felt bad for saying this, but it was true. If Xav were to lose control again, then both Xav and his parabatai would die.. and Magnus really, really didn't want Xav to die.

Xav's faze dropped down to the ground. "I can't believe I was such an idiot. I made a huge mistake."

"But… do you really regret it?" Magnus asked. "Do you really regret doing something that you've always wanted to do?"

"I… just can't believe that this happened so quickly."

"How do you not believe it? The consequences are literally on your hands!" Magnus grabbed them and brought them to Xav's face

"I…don't see anything." Xav said slowly.

"What do you mean-?" Magnus brought Xav's hands towards his own face. "How…What? How did the lines disappear?"

"I saw them this morning…" Xav muttered. "Maybe it's not as bad as we thought…?"

"No. There's something fishy going on. **(Besides my crappy writing.)** The parabatai curse doesn't just.. _fade_."

"What do you mean?" Xav ran a hand through his faded gray hair, **(I love talking about the hair)** nervously looking around the room. "You realize that my dad is here in this house, right? If you're going to say something crazy, say it quietly. He might've heard what we said earlier, too."

"I know this is crazy, but can I see your shoulder? I want to test something out." Magnus asked quietly. If this was what he suspected, then things were about to get much more complicated.

Xav made a face. "My shoulder?"

Magnus facepalmed. "Yes, Xavier. Your shoulder." He blinked, his cat eyes showing up out of the blue.

"Fine." Xav mumbled, starting to take off his shirt.

"No! That is _not_ what I meant." Magnus said, but he did not shield his eyes. _Stupid, stupid, stupid._ "But whatever. It's fine." He pretended like he didn't care.

Xav shrugged. "Do whatever you want."

" _Whatever?"_ Magnus jokingly wiggled his eyebrows. _I wish._ "Okay, on a more serious note, I just wanted to test out my theory."

"What theory?"

"You'll see." Magnus mumbled, placing a hand on his shoulder before Xav could say anything to reply.

Xav seemed to sag his shoulders in relief. "What did you do?"

"All I did was touch it." Magnus said curiously. Was this really what he thought it was, or was he just looking at the situation weirdly? _There's nothing there, Magnus.._

Xav's face lit up. "Does that mean a warlock's touch can cure the curse?"

 _At least I gave you some hope._ Magnus frowned. "I don't think so..I honestly don't know what this even is…or why it happened."

"Well, this is a good thing, right? Maybe I should ask Chris to come here." Xav said, pulling out his stele to draw the fire-message rune.

Magnus looked increasingly uncomfortable, as if he was hiding something. _That's not what it is. There's a reason why it's my touch that works. There's a reason why you feel better when I'm in the room._ "Sure."

 **10 mins**

* * *

"Chris isn't responding to my fire-messages." Xav said softly, looking down at the floor with disappointment…and possibly sadness. "It's probably my fault. I mean, if we're in the same situation…he probably wouldn't want to talk to me. That's just how he is."

"Xavier, it isn't your fault. You didn't do anything wrong..I mean, you did, but…" Magnus shook his head. "Don't blame yourself for him not answering your messages."

"I know that, but even so..I shouldn't have made that mistake."

"Do you really think it was a mistake?" Magnus asked, his tone light, not showing his true feelings. His true feelings would make the whole situation worse. _Keep them hidden, Magnus. Nobody wants to hear about how you feel._ "Do you think it was a mistake to do what you did?"

"I.. I thought it was a good thing at first. I thought it would be nice to-to feel happy for once in what seemed like years. I thought it would make me feel good." Xav sighed. "All it did was make me feel worse about myself than I ever have before. Then I realized something."

"Realized what?" Magnus prodded.

Xav looked up. Magnus almost sighed…almost. _Magnus, he doesn't care about you. Not the way you care about him._ His eyes were never the same color, Magnus realized. They weren't the traditional Herondale blue, like his father. Instead, they were ever changing. When they first met, Xav's eyes had been almost a gray shade, like a cloudy day. Now, they looked more blue-green, when the ocean was calm and clear. Like his mother, perhaps. Whoever that was. The eyes reminded him of a werewolves glowing eyes when they shifted from human to wolf. _Enough staring at his eyes, Magnus._ And yet he couldn't take his eyes off of them.

"If I'm the one causing everybody's problems…then maybe I'm the one at fault. Maybe I'm the one that needs some sort of…cure."

"I knew somebody who spoke like you. It was a long time ago, I guess." Magnus looked up at the ceiling. "He used to blame himself for everything, including his parabatai's yin fen addiction."

"Who?" Xav asked out of curiosity.

"His name was Will Herondale." Magnus said, thinking of the young man who'd thought that he was cursed all of his life until the love of his life taught him how to love again.

" _Herondale?_ " Xav looked surprised. "I didn't know that the Herondale line went that far back."

"Oh, believe me. Will Herondale acted just like you and your father combined." Magnus thought fondly, remembering the kind but sometimes awfully rude British man. **(Yeeeeeey. Also, Tessa is still alive in this timeline!)**

"And what are you trying to tell me by talking about my ancestors?" Xav asked.

"What I was trying to say was…" Magnus brought Xav's now life-free hands to his face. "Will Herondale got rid of his monsters because he loved. Not because he avoided it. The more you avoid fear, the more your demons multiply. The only way to get rid of your demons is to take charge of them and to overcome them. That's why I believe you will find a cure to this curse, and you can't give up. Not now, not ever. I believe in you."

Whether it was that they were both not thinking straight, Xav leaned forward and pressed his lips against Magnus'.

Magnus pushed him away lightly. "Xavier. You can't. W-we can't."

"Maybe this is the cure. Maybe this is the way I can stop it." Xav spoke rapidly, grabbing hold of Magnus.

"Xavier." Magnus managed to say. "This isn't what you want. No matter how much I…may want this, this isn't right. Not if I'm going to be some sort of a rebound, or some sort of a replacement. I can't do this, not when you're obviously in love with Christopher!"

Magnus felt Xav let go of him, stumbling backwards. "You're right. What was I thinking?" Xav laughed uneasily. "I…I'm sorry, Magnus. Really-"

 _You've hurt me, Xavier. And I can't even manage to tell you. You've hurt me more than words can explain._ "No..it's fine."

"Magnus-

"It's _fine._ " Magnus said, turning around so that Xav wouldn't see that his warlock's mark was shining brightly, otherworldly tears threatening to fall from his face.

" _Do you regret it?"_ Magnus had asked Xavier only twenty minutes prior. This time, that was the question that he was asking himself. " _Do you really regret doing something you've always wanted to do?"_

 **(First look at Magnus Bane's mind! I hope I did well!)**

 **Xav (about 15 minutes before the last POV)**

* * *

"Will Herondale got rid of his monsters because he loved. Not because he avoided it. The more you avoid fear, the more your demons multiply. The only way to get rid of your demons is to take charge of them and to overcome them. That's why I believe you will find a cure to this curse, and you can't give up. Not now, not ever. I believe in you." Those words somehow slowly crept their way into Xav's mind, like a virus creeping into somebody's immune system… sudden, but still full of impact.

Xav didn't fully understand what he was doing. It was like something foreign had taken over his body and he could only watch as it did something he never thought he would be able to do. He was seeing himself pressing his lips against Magnus'. _What am I doing…?_ He thought after it was too late. He wanted to let go, yet his fingers wouldn't let him. _Chris, Chris, Magnus, Chris, Magnus, Chris…_ His thoughts were jumbled together, and yet whatever had taken control of him wouldn't let him remove his grip off of Magnus.

His eyes had been closed, but they opened when he felt a light push on his chest.

"Xavier, you can't. We can't." To Xav, Magnus' voice almost sounded cold, foreign, afraid, and confused.

"Maybe this is the cure. Maybe this is the way I can stop it." Xav spoke, his words jumbling together, feeling a sense that he had a limited amount of time to do this. And yet somehow, Xav knew that his words made absolutely no sense at all. That he was talking in complete and utter nonsense and was just making excuses for himself. Excuses for why he'd kissed _Magnus Bane._ Why he kissed Magnus Bane and liked it.

"Xavier. This isn't what you want. No matter how much I…may want this, this isn't right. Not if I'm going to be some sort of a rebound, or some sort of a replacement. I can't do this, not when you're obviously in love with Christopher!" Magnus' words were withdrawn, as if was holding something back from him. That perhaps there was something that Magnus was hiding from him. Something that he wanted desperately to hide.

Magnus' eyes were locked on Xavier's, yellow cat's eyes on blue.

 _This…isn't what you want, Xav. You're just making things more complicated._ Xav stared at his hands, not wanting to believe what he'd just done. He'd complicated all of his feelings. _You don't feel anything for Magnus, Xav._

And yet he couldn't possibly erase the little spark of feelings that he'd created, whether he'd just realized it then, or if it was a spark of something that had always been there. Like a seed planted in his heart that had finally blossomed into a flower.

" _I believe in you,"_ Magnus had said.

 _But I don't believe in me,_ Xav had wanted to say. _What does it matter if you believe in me, when I don't believe in myself?_

Xav's heart had indeed skipped a beat when he heard those words, whether it was from the talk about Chris, or what Magnus had told him, it was something he knew he had felt, and something he could not and did not want to deny.

Maybe that was why the curse seemed to fade whenever Magnus was around. Xav shook his head. He was kidding himself. He wanted to see something there when in fact there was nothing. He was just… confused after everything that had happened. After all, his emotions had been going crazy.

Xav almost checked to see if the curse was still there. He knew he loved Chris. He knew it. _I know it, I know it, I know it…_ There was a little bit of doubt there, no matter how much he wanted to pretend that it didn't exist.

Some of the lines had faded.

"Y-you're right. What was I thinking? I-I'm sorry, Magnus. Really-" Xav continued in a sort of tone that suggested that he just wanted to forget it all. But to tell the truth, he didn't want to forget it. He didn't want to forget any of it. Even if he truly didn't feel anything for Magnus, it was still something that he wanted to remember. He didn't want to forget the moment where he actually felt in control.

"No. It's fine." Magnus said quickly. Almost too quickly, in Xav's opinion.

"Magnus, I-

"It's _fine._ " Magnus looked away.

 _I've ruined it. Our friendship, the plan, everything. I really am a horrible shadowhunter, parabatai, and son._ Xav felt like a complete and utter idiot. Magnus was probably turning away because he was confused, offended, or worse. I mean, who would forget a person randomly kissing you? Xav wouldn't. After all, that's what he'd done to Chris, all those months ago.

Of course, it wasn't their first kiss.. it was their first… _real_ kiss. Well, in Xav's opinion it was. Magnus probably didn't care. After all, he'd been in several thousand relationships.

 _What have I done?_

And most importantly: _What exactly do I feel for him?_

 **Chris**

* * *

" _And what is it you are here for this time, Christopher Lightwood?"_

Chris walked towards the silent brothers slowly, making sure that his cloak covered his whole body except for his face. "I need your help." He simply stated. Those were words without meaning. Not a truth, but not a lie.

" _And what is it you need assistance with?"_

Chris slowly pulled the hood off of his cloak, and then let the rest of it fall, showing the brothers exactly why he was there. The lines ran all over the place.

" _We see."_ The only brother that seemed to show any sort of emotion was Brother Zachariah. The rest of them all had no eyes and mouths, nothing to focus on while they decided your fate. You never knew what they were going to do to you. " _You were right to come to us. How long has this been going on?"_ **(Wow, I quoted a song. Yay. "How Long" by Charlie Puth btw)**

"6 months."

They seemed to be silently communicating with each other through the telepathic way that the brothers talked to Shadowhunters. Chris tried not to flinch whenever one of them turned their gaze onto him. _What are you going to do to me?_ He wondered.

" _And what would you like us to do? There are 2 options, I believe."_

"What are they?" Chris asked. _Please have an option where Xav won't get hurt._

" _You can get your runes stripped and live as a mundane, or you can become a silent brother."_

"Y-you're giving him that option?" Clary stuttered. "I thought that the only option was to get his runes stripped and have him live in exile."

" _The second option is no better. He'll have to live apart from his family, forever, his parabatai bond broken. He'll live forever and watch those he loves die."_

Chris didn't know which option to pick. Some people wanted desperately to be a silent brother and to live forever, but all Chris wanted to do was live a full life as a shadowhunter and die fighting for what he thought was right. But…living as a mundane, apart from the shadowhunter world forever without being able to go back…that was his worst nightmare. He wouldn't even be able to see the shadow world anymore.

But in the end, was there really an option? As a mundane, he would be useless to the endless demon attacks in this universe. He would know about the nephilim, but he would never be able to see them again. He wouldn't have the sight. As a silent brother, he would be one of the most important people in their society. Deciding people's fates, guarding the City of Bones and the Mortal Instruments. He would be able to access unlimited knowledge. He'd be able to finally be of use to somebody. In his mind, the right option was clear.

But he didn't want his mom to see him like that. Without eyes or a mouth, or his raven black hair. She'd be losing her only links to his father. He didn't want her to come to the silent city, bringing new runes to show to the brothers, being reminded that she no longer had a son.

" _You have to make a decision soon, Christopher. We can wait forever, but you can not."_

Chris glanced at his mother. "Mom, what do I do?What… should I do?" He knew what choice he wanted to make, but he wanted to hear what she had to say.

"As much as I want to find a cure for the curse, I think that these are the only two options." Clary sighed. "If only I'd seen the signs. It's up to you, Chris. It's the least I can do."

Yet in his heart, he knew what choice his mother wanted him to make. Of course she wanted him to be a mundane. She'd lived like that for sixteen years, and she said she never regretted a single moment as a mundane. She would help him navigate being a mundane, even if she was never allowed to see him again. She would never, ever want to see him be a silent brother. Yet… he knew that she understood completely that he couldn't live without the shadow world. He couldn't live without the Nephilim. He had a choice, but he still didn't know what to choose. He wanted to choose one thing, yet he knew that others wanted him to pick the other.

"Mom." Chris took hold of her hand. "None of this is any of your fault. I made the choices that led up to this."

Clary sagged her shoulders in defeat. "Just promise me something."

Chris looked at her in a little bit of disbelief. What would he need to promise her? After today, he wouldn't be a Fairchild _,_ Morgenstern, or a Lightwood. He would be a no-name mundane or just another silent brother in the City of Bones. "What is it?"

"Don't forget us. Any of us."

 _Wow. She's really saying her goodbyes._ "I would never forget any of you."

" _Are you sure you don't want to tell your parabatai anything?"_

Chris thought for a moment. "I…"

Sirens rang throughout Alicante.

* * *

 **Yeeeeee a cliffhanger! (Because I'm lazy)**

 **I hope you like waiting… sorrrrrry.**

 **Anyway, the new fanfic ideas for clabastian, because that's all I feel like typing out.**

 **Clabastian:**

 **An AU story type thing. Here's the actual summary I typed out: In the small town called Idris, everybody knows what the Circle is. The Circle is a gang of dangerous and lethal people that hunt their victims down in the middle of the night. More dangerous than any sort of Assassin, The Circle is run by a man called Valentine and his heir, Sebastian. In the beginning of the summer, Clary Fray moves to Idris, unknowing about the Circle and its members. Little does she know that her mother has been hiding their true identity, and Jace, the boy who she thought was her brother was not who she thought he was. She was somehow connected to this town, and when she meets Jonathan Christopher Morgenstern, she learns that she had a whole different side to herself than she never knew she had. When she starts falling for Sebastian, the chaos happening in her life seems to spiral out of control, and she learns that her connection with Idris was not just a coincidence.**

 **Another AU, but I don't have a summary for it. Basically, it takes place years after Clary said yes to being Jonathan's Queen, and there are still sparks of rebellion left from the non-endarkened Shadowhunters and Clary and Jon have to work together to get rid of them while I build up their romance. The title would be something like "My Queen" or "Jonathan's Queen" or "The Morgenstern Legacy"**

 **Lemme know what you think. The clabastian ideas are the only ones that are really thought out… lol.**

 **This was probably annoying. Hope you enjoyed the chp!**

 **~Sara**


	7. Chosen Fate

**For some reason, nobody got an update for the last chapter, which was really upsetting because it was the longest chapter I've ever written in my life! If you didn't read chapter 6, please go read it now. :) If you don't understand what's going on, you**

 **probably didn't read Chp 6...**

 **If there's a chance you don't see this, either… *cries* I'm honestly not gonna write til somebody reviews.**

 **Hello! I'm trying to write longer chapters because I don't update as often, so I feel like I should write more when I can. :)**

 **This chapter is dedicated to Horses8 for telling me about the issue with my last chapter and for reading. Go check out her fanfic,** _ **The Dark Mark Murder.**_

 **~Sara**

* * *

 **Xav**

Then the sirens started to ring through Alicante, louder than ever before.

"Get down!" Xav immediately recognized the voice as his father's. A hand was on his back, pushing him down to the floor with a thud. He heard a crashing noise behind him somewhere, accompanied by hissing and clawing sounds.

 _Demons._ Xav raised his head soon once the noise seemed to settle down. He raised his head off of the floor, carefully searching for Magnus in new darkness of the room. A lightbulb was flickering on the roof.

"Dad, what's going on?" Seeing his dad get up soon after he did, he quickly asked Jace a question. Jace had drawn his seraph blade and was holding it tightly in his grip.

Finally catching sight of the cat-eyed warlock, he thanked the angel for Magnus, who'd created a force-field like thing surrounding them, thanks to his magic. His eyes were flickering, most likely from the effort of making such a big force field with his magic. The brief moment of fear he felt from thinking that Jace might have seen the black lines from the curse was gone, as he had suddenly remembered that Magnus had somehow removed them just before the sirens had started to ring. **(We love run on sentences)**

Jace and Xav locked eyes, and Xav watched Jace draw out another seraph blade from his gear and throw it at him, just like they always did in training. " _Uriel!"_ Xav shouted, the seraph blade glowing as soon as he named it. He moved it around in his palm, shifting it from hand to hand; getting used to the new blade.

"Demon attack." Jace finally responded to his question, unfazed. Jace, still the best shadowhunters of his generation, jumped up towards the roof, cutting a tentacle off of a ravener demon that was trying to sneak in through a window. He was still sixteen at heart, although he was thirty-three.

Xav, like his father, was a natural fighter, one of the best. "How is that even possible?" As he said this, his eyes wandered around for Magnus, eyes sticking to the warlock as he too battled the demons that threatened to come inside the Herondale Mansion. The extra wards protecting their home wouldn't last much longer.

"I'm not sure. Maybe the wards protecting Idris broke?" Jace questioned. They both knew that this wasn't the case. Wards did not fail, especially ones set up by Clary, the best of the best. It was something else. Something far, far more frightening. Something nobody could've predicted.

"A little help here?" Magnus asked, his arm covered in demon ichor. Xav's mind flashed back to that night almost a year ago when Alec Lightwood had gotten himself covered in ichor, and the next day had broken out with the demon pox. He reassured himself quickly, as warlocks couldn't get demon pox. He double checked his gear, quickly making sure that the demon hadn't touched him anywhere. He drew a quick iratze on himself before losing it somewhere in the floor.

"Y-yeah. Of course." Xav said without thinking, just as the discomfort came. He'd forgotten the past couple of hours that they'd had together. The awkward moments… and the ones that were meant to be kept a secret.

" _Xavier, you can't. We can't."_

Magnus' voice echoed in his mind. Xav shook his head. _Don't think about it. All that matters right now is that you help him._ Xav put his seraph blade, Uriel, back in its place in the scabbard that was attached to his gear before reaching out to help him. He gripped Magnus' hand and helped him up from the ground, ignoring the fact that Magnus was clinging to him. If only things could stay this uncomplicated forever. At least, this was what was uncomplicated for Xav.

Unluckily for Xav, Magnus would be the least of his worries.

There was a crash outside the front door, and Jace hesitated once before opening the door.

"Dad, wait!" It wasn't over, and Xav knew it.

Ravener demons. Oni. Mantids. Several different types of demons practically threw themselves inside the Herondale Mansion as if there was a tornado sucking them in from the outside. All Xav saw after that was ichor, demons, and more demons. He blindly sliced the air with his seraph blade, unable to see his father or Magnus.

" _When two parabatai become vulnerable to the curse, their runes become stronger."_

Xav suddenly remembered the words of Brother Zachariah, and reached into the pocket of his gear.

Then he remembered that his stele was gone, thrown down somewhere on the floor. Spotting Magnus in the crowd of demons and flood of ichor, Xav called out, "Have you seen my stele?!"

Xav gasped out loudly after speaking, panting from the effort of killing more demons than he may have in the past year. But he had had no choice. Using his stele and powerful runes to kill the demons was the only option left.

Magnus looked down at the floor and picked up something that looked like his stele, although he looked unsure. But just as he was in the action of handing the stele to Xav, a demon sprung up from behind and lunged.

Reflexes suddenly improving, Xav stuck his seraph blade into the mantid's pelvis, letting ichor pour out of it as the demon crumbled to dust. Magnus mouthed a _thanks_ , seeming to forget the past events of that day. Xav ignored the feeling of happiness and relief after Magnus thanked him.

Magnus handed the stele to Xav, closing Xav's palm and making sure that he was holding it tightly before letting go.

Xav trusted that the curse was still in effect. If it wasn't, then there was no hope to do what he was going to do. Were the runes going to work? _You love Chris,_ he told himself. _You love Chris._

There were still many questions left unanswered. Where was Chris? Where was Jace? Why were demons suddenly attacking? His questions couldn't be answered, not right then.

The demons should've been the only thing he had to worry about that night. He pressed his stele against his arm, drawing the Fortis rune, the rune of strength. **(Thank god for the shadowhunter's codex, lmao)**

The rune immediately bursted into an odd shade of yellow, blinding Xav for a couple of seconds. _It worked_. _It actually worked_.

When he could finally see, he felt immense power coursing through his veins, anticipating the attack that was coming.

Gripping his seraph blade tighter than before, he banged it against the floor, power surging through the floorboards, hitting almost every single demon, until Xav saw that the door was still open. That must've been why more and more demons kept coming inside. Xav ran to the door, jumped and kicked it shut as he was still in midair. **(Because he's awesome)**

But just as the door slammed shut, a hand put itself in the way. A thin, pale hand with black lines running across it.

It was Chris.

* * *

 **Chris**

The black lines were still running across his body, spreading faster that before. At this rate, he was afraid that the curse would take its full effect sooner than he'd thought. The sirens were still ringing after what seemed like eternity, and Chris had to make a choice before it was too late.

" _You must choose whether to notify your parabatai or perform whatever ceremony you've chosen. Take your time, but you must make a decision."_

Sirens were ringing, and Chris could hear the growling and clawing sounds of the demons trying to come into the city of bones. Chris felt fear flood into his body. He wasn't like Xav. He wasn't the strongest shadowhunter of his generation. In fact, he was one of the weakest. Flashes of memory from the day his father got the demon pox ran through his head, causing him to hesitate longer than he should.

But.. If this was truly as bad of a demon attack as he thought, then this could be the last chance he could see Xav. He didn't know what sort of demons were out there, and he wouldn't take his chances, not when it involved the life of the person he loved. "I… want to become a silent brother, but… first I-I'm telling my parabatai." Chris said as fast as he could, trying to conceal the fact that he was practically hyperventilating.

Demon attacks had become a difficult thing for him after the death of his father eight months ago. He thought that he'd been prepared for this. He'd worked extra hard during his training to learn how to fight demons better than before, so he wouldn't lose any more people.

" _Alright then."_ The silent brothers seemed to communicate silently among themselves, and then Brother Zachariah came right next to Chris and his mother. Chris drew his bow, hoping that he had enough arrows to last him all the way to the Herondale Mansion. If not… he'd have to use a seraph blade, which he was not well at using.

And if Xav ended up not being there… Chris had no clue what in the world he was going to do except become a silent brother.

Chris followed Brother Zachariah through the many twists and turns that had been crafted under the city of bones after the end mortal war when Sebastian had died when he was killed by Jace. These underground paths ran through the entirety of Idris, making it convenient transportation… but only if you were with a silent brother. If one were to go there without a silent brother, then they would be burnt by heavenly fire.

When they finally reached the mansion, Chris noticed two things.

One, the front door was wide open, letting demons of all kind crawl, fly, and run into the mansion. Two… he saw no trace of people.

After several minutes of looking through the haze of demons, he saw Xav. There was a flash of light, and then Xav's body was literally glowing, a bright rune glowing on his shoulder. Fortis, the rune of power. After the light settled down, Chris noticed that Xav literally had no black lines running across his skin. But that was the least of his concerns.

Chris saw Xav start to run. Chris knew his parabatai, and what his parabatai was about to do. He was going to jump as high as he could, and then side-kick the door shut.

It's what he did to the life-size targets in training.

He cursed himself for thinking about the institute and the moments they'd spent there, and the fact that he'd destroyed it. He focused on the door. Without thinking, he ran towards the door, ignoring the cries from his mother. If the door closed, Xav wouldn't open it again. Xav would think that he was a mindless demon using his voice to make him open the door. Then there definitely would be no hope. He ran and jammed his hand in the door right as it started to shut.

"Chris!" Clary cried, running towards him, Brother Zachariah at her tail.

The door immediately opened, the hand opening it shaking, and Chris tumbled inside, the cloak covering the lines running over his body falling right off, revealing all the effects of the curse.

Xav stood in front of him, face white from shock. "Chris, what are you-" He turned around, his face paling even further than before. "Magnus! Magnus!" Without acknowledging the fact that Chris was even there, Xav ran in the opposite direction.

Chris then felt his face pale, too. Magnus had a gaping hole in his gut, blood seeping through it. There was a snapped demon claw in his palm. Magnus had a hand over the wound.

He possibly had only minutes left to live.

 **(Uh….. sorry? It was either Chris or Magnus.. MY POOR CHILD)**

* * *

 **Xav**

Chris was right there. Right in front of him. Xav felt the heat drain from his face. "Chris, what are you-" He reached out to pull Chris into his arms, but a cry of pain that came from behind him stopped him from doing so.

It was like the whole room suddenly went into slow motion, but he couldn't do anything to stop a future that he didn't want to happen. He saw a demon take hold of Magnus from behind and strike him in the gut, one of its claws staying stuck there. Magnus stood there, dumbfounded.

Xav turned away from Chris and watched his legs run towards Magnus with everything he had, the fear of losing another person he cared about taking control of him. **(Fun fact: the fear of people not reading this chapter is taking over me right now.)**

He shoved his way towards demons and didn't feel a thing when ichor sprayed all over his body. Plunging the tip of his seraph blade into the ravener demon that had attacked Magnus, he felt the satisfaction of a battle… almost. "Magnus! Magnus!" Then he started to take in what had just happened. Magnus stumbled and fell into Xav's arms, hands wrapped around the claw that was stuck in his gut. Before Xav could say anything to stop him, Magnus pulled it out, and then blood started flowing down Xav's gear as well.

"Xav, are you bleeding?" Jace asked.

Xav felt his head shake. He was numb. He couldn't feel _anything_ ; his thoughts only focused on the man in front of him. He felt the color drain from his face. He turned to his left and saw that Chris' face was also pale.

"Magnus, I'm sorry, it was all my fault… if I hadn't… I-"

"It's n-ot your fault, X-av." His voice faltered for a moment, his cat's eyes flickering. Xav couldn't let this be Magnus' final moments. He couldn't lose someone else he cared about.

He turned to Clary. "I never learned anything about healing a warlock in my studies! Does that sort of thing exist?" He could hear the tremble in his own voice. Clary seemed to be concentrated on something else, which frustrated Xav even worse than before.

Clary snapped out of it for a moment. "I don't know anything about healing a warlock. Why would I?" Chris, Clary and… Brother Zachariah were muttering things to each other, no longer paying attention to what was going on right in front of them.

Anger boiling like magma rising to the top of a volcano, Xav cleared his throat as loudly as he could. "Hello? Is anybody concerned about the man that's _dying_ in front of us?! Are you people unconcerned about the fact that somebody's dying and you're doing nothing to help stop it from happening?!" Then the wave of anger erupted. "What the fuck are you people so concerned about?!"

The look on Chris' face was one of shock, and so was Clary's. Xav couldn't tell what Brother Zachariah was thinking… or maybe they couldn't think. Did the silent brothers have feelings?

Xav caught a glimpse of Chris' arms, and the color that was left in his face vanished. **(He basically looks like albino, gay Jace with white hair.** ) Black, spider-web like lines were slowly spreading across his body, creeping up his neck. How was it that although their curse had started the same, the effects were now different? While the lines on his skin had been disappearing, twice as many had been creeping across Chris' skin. Xav had expected for their skin to mirror each other, because that was how the curse was supposed to work. That was how things were supposed to happen.

 _Magnus?_ He thought, but then shifted his thoughts away from that. He couldn't let his feeling and emotions cloud his judgement. _Emotions cloud judgement. Feelings cloud judgement._ "Get your mind off of whatever you came here for for just a _second_ and help him, please!" His tone was pleading; begging for somebody to help. Jace was still fighting the demons that were remaining in the mansion. In Xav's eyes, Jace was the only one actually contributing at that moment.

Clary looked back at Chris for a moment, but then put her full attention on Xav… finally. "Maybe I can… make a rune that will save him?" Clary said. Xav knew from the look she gave him that her thoughts were elsewhere, and she thought that there was no hope left for Magnus. A couple weeks ago, Xav would've left him to die. He might've comforted him, but he wouldn't go to the extent that he would now. Now, he couldn't bear the thought of letting him die. He wouldn't let him die. If he died, Xav would do nothing but blame himself. He didn't understand why his emotions were jumbling all together and causing this.. confusion. All he knew was that he didn't want to lose Magnus. Not now, not ever.

"You know what? Fuck it. Fuck you. Fuck everyone." Xav said, blinking back tears. _You can't cry. Not now._ "Fuck everything!"

"Xav, Wait-" Chris started after Xav.

"Forget it, Chris. You've done nothing." Then a feeling unknown to anything he'd ever felt for Chris flooded into his clouded emotions. Anger. "You can fuck off too." Immediately regretting his words, he covered his mouth. "Chris, I didn't mean-

"We can help Magnus, Xav." Chris took his hand and examined it for a minute, and Xav thought that he could see tears. Chris cloaked his emotions well.

Who even knew what he was thinking under that forced blank face?

* * *

 **Chris (this is short)**

"Forget it Chris, you've done nothing." Xav's words struck him hard in a place that hurt. His words were like steel. "You can fuck off too." There was something different about Xav's voice. It was angry.

Xav never got angry with Chris. Xav's face flushed. "Chris, I didn't mean-

"We can help Magnus, Xav." Chris attempted to make his voice kind, and took Xav's hand. But that was not meant to be a kind gesture. He double checked his facial expression in the ichor on the floor. It was like a mirror. His face was blank. Sure enough, Xav's hand was smooth, unmarked by the curse. Who knew how that was possible? After glancing at his mother, he knew that she'd seen Xav's smooth skin.

"Well, what do we do?" Xav asked, voice still angry.

"I don't know, we'll figure it out."

"We can't _figure it out._ He's gonna die!" Xav said, his hands trembling. This couldn't be happening.

"Xav, please just listen to me-

"No."

"Xav, please-

"No."

"Xav, I-

"Chris! I don't need your help! Please, just stop!" Xav cried out, pushing Chris back. **(I think that Xav is honestly pissed off with me. I mean, as created Chris.)** Chris closed his eyes, waiting for the impact of the fall to the floor.

"Chris! I don't need your help! Please, just stop!" He saw his mom look away, not wanting to see him get hurt. Instead of a thudding noise, the sound of the roof ripping apart came. He opened his eyes.

Huge people. Giants. Titans.

True Nephilim.

 **Cliffhanger! I think you guys can tell this one is coming to an end. I love this fanfic more than any of my others. I think it's well written. Anyway, if you read this, review so that I know you can see it. Look out for the next chp! it might be the last...**

 **~Sara**


	8. Inescapable Fate

**This chapter is dedicated to immxrtxl for reviewing almost every chapter with kind, encouraging words, and always being excited for the next chapter.**

 **Also to Horses8 for being encouraging af and a great friend even though there's a bit of an age gap.**

 **This chapter is** **not** **going to be the last, as I've decided to change something. Because I'm evil…**

 **And this chapter is kind of bad… I mean, sad. I'm sorry for the end of it in advance. The POVs are short in this chp, necessary for the plot.**

 **~Sara**

* * *

 **Magnus**

As the roof was falling down towards the two dumbfounded Shadowhunters and himself, Magnus threw his hands up in the air, letting the remainder of his magic cast a weakened force field, protecting them. Magnus knew that it didn't matter that his father was the prince of Hell, Asmodeus- if he had a fatal wound that couldn't be healed with his own powers, all of his magic would focus itself on self preservation, not whatever situation was going on in front him. This was what he hated about himself. The demon side that would do anything to live. No matter how much he ignored it, t was built into his DNA, and something that he had to fight in order to cast that shield to protect the people that could save Alicante and the whole of Idris.

"Hurry- it's breaking apart!" Magnus gasped, choking from the blood that was slowly filling his lungs. It felt like the blood was gushing out twice as fast as before, and at the same time was filling his lungs, making it hard to breathe. He took a heaving breath, gasping as he said, "Run! Leave! Save them!" He honestly didn't care what happened to himself. If he died, at least he'd done something, anything to save Idris. He was hundreds of years old. Maybe it was time for him to go.

He would willingly go, but not without a fight.

Jace started to run, but Clary grabbed a hold of his leg. "We need to help him!"

 _Why would you help me? I just gave you the perfect opportunity to leave!_ Magnus wanted to say, but he saved his energy in case it was needed for later.

"But Xav-" Jace said, his attention focused on his son. _Yes, Jonathan. Go!_ Magnus thought, but Clary had shifted her focus.

"That's my son, too!" Clary cried out, "Hell, you practically raised them both!Do you think Xav would be happy if we left Magnus dying in a ditch? No. We need all the help we can get, Jace! Do you not know about the last option that we can use to save them?!" Her words were rushed, but Magnus could understand her clearly.

Jace stopped struggling, letting her tighten her grip on his leg. "We can't waste our time trying to save a warlock that's dying, no how close we are to them right now! Those are our kids, Clary! Not Magnus Bane!" He tried to convince her, but just like she did when she was sixteen, she crossed her arms and stood there, the anger practically flowing off of her.

"By the angel, Jace." Clary sighed. "I think I remember why I dumped you when we were young. You're kind of stupid." **(I needed to lighten the mood, okey?)**

"Hey!" Jace said, scoffing. "I was a great boyfriend." Then, getting back to the topic, he frowned. "Stop changing the subject! Those are our kids out there, killing people and terrorizing Alicante!"

"And you think I don't realize that those are our kids?!" Clary said. "Now listen to me! What I was saying was that Brother Zachariah told me about two parabatai that fell and love about fifty years ago and turned into true Nephilim, but it turned out that one of them was also in love with another shadowhunter, and that other shadowhunter was the person who ended up causing them to shift back without a trace of the original rune."

"That's a fucking fable, Clary." Jace shook his head. "But Xav was dating Magnus. I never thought that he and Chris were in love."

Magnus almost laughed. _It's me that's in love with him, not the other way around. Xav is in love with Chris. I know it._

"The silent brothers can't die! You're such an idiot, Jace. What I'm saying is that we need Magnus to break the curse!" Clary kept her eyes locked with Magnus.'

Jace's face lit up. "Oh. OH. OH!" He lunged forward and grabbed Magnus and flopped him onto his back. "Let's go. You finally make sense."

"Why didn't you do that before?" Clary's annoyance seemed to escalate into fury. "You literally could've just picked him up instead of arguing with me and just ran away before Magnus even had to use his magic!"

"Um…" Jace gulped, wanting to escape his ex-girlfriend's fury. He knew what happened when Clary was mad, and it was something that he certainly wanted to avoid. Instead, he pointed towards the true Nephilim, shifting Clary's attention over to them. "Look, we can argue later."

"Are you sure we can do this?" Magnus wheezed. "I'm all…for helping…but…"

"We don't have much time!" Clary said, looking at the blood that was sleeping through his two-hundred year old jacket, which Magnus did in fact treasure.

 _No duh,_ Magnus thought. Normally, he would've rolled his eyes or made a comment about her fashion choice, but the effort of keeping himself conscious was all that he could take right then.

* * *

 **Clary**

Her thoughts were racing. She didn't know what to do. **(Like me when I write. Idek what I'm doing anymore.)** Yesterday morning, she'd panicked about the curse. Then a couple minutes ago she'd overreacted to Jace lifting Magnus, and now she was just standing on the burnt ruins of the institute, watching as her son and his parabatai destroyed the home of thousands of Shadowhunters.

As this was happening, demons were attacking, and Idris was on lockdown, so there was no form of escape. There was no way to evacuate, because all of the people outside of Idris had been told to lock it down. There was so much on her mind that she didn't know which problem to focus on. _Your son is not a problem. The problem is what he's turned into._ She told herself. Clary didn't have time to create a new rune, either. Her powers had also seemed to stop working from all of the stress of everything going on around her. Her stele had been crushed by Chris, because he had it as he'd shifted into a true Nephilim. She asked Jace for one, but he never really carried around a stele. Since he usually fought his battles with Clary and Clary was the one with powers, he usually borrowed hers instead. Xav had borrowed Jace's, to Clary's knowledge.

That exact moment would've been the perfect opportunity to apply a strength rune on her arm, or a speed enhancing rune… or hell, Clary would do anything for the ability to use a basic iratze! She would do anything just to be able to focus and think of a new rune. All she wanted to do was give her son the relief he deserved, and that whole plan had turned into a complete and utter disaster. She wished that she'd just forced him to get his runes stripped or made him become a silent brother so that he wouldn't have to suffer.

"Magnus, stay with me. Magnus, you're the only one who can save him." She whispered to him, although she knew that that was the thing he wanted to be least in that moment.

"Y-Yeah, I'm.. aware… and I'm trying, pumpkin." He smiled weakly at her from Jace's back. Normally, she would have laughed, but the situation was too… serious for her to laugh. Even Jace, who would've cracked a joke was silent.

Clary froze for a second after hearing the old nickname. Magnus had only used it back when they were in the midst of the mortal war. She saw Jace's grip on Magnus tighten when they looked back at Xav and Chris.

Those were their children. The children they'd raised inside the safety of the borders of Idris in fear that they'd have to go through what they did as kids. They didn't want their kids to have to fight real, powerful and strong Greater Demons before they were of age. They didn't want them to be caught up with a war against demons, warlocks, faeries, vampires, or werewolves. She'd wanted Chris and Lily's life to be simple… as simple as a shadowhunter's life could be… and look at where that had gotten them. Sometimes she wished that she'd raised them in Brooklyn where she'd grown up, as a mundane.

But no matter how hard she'd tried, all sorts of danger seemed to follow them everywhere they went, and after Simon and Izzy disappeared all of a sudden three years ago, the demon attacks seemed to have gotten worse. Then Alec was taken from from her, along with Lily.

Clary fought back at the old memories and deja vu that continued to come at her in continuous attacks. _This isn't the mortal war,_ she reminded herself. _Sebastian isn't going to die. Chris isn't gonna die. You're not going to lose anybody else. You won't, you won't, you won't._

She craned her neck, looked forward and saw that the True Nephilim's power was burning the demons in their path. That was possibly the only good thing that had come out of this. But then again, as they were burning the demons, they were also stepping on innocent people. Hopes, dreams, futures, love- all gone in one step.

Clary shook her head, trying to stop blaming herself for what was happening. Xav and Chris were still alive. They had to be. They were right in front of her, but Clary kept wondering if the real Chris and Xav had disappeared along with their physical form. If they weren't alive, or somehow they wouldn't be themselves ever again, then..then she didn't know what she was going to do.

Sure, she was happy. Sure, she had the perfect life. She had four kids, a boyfriend, was a war hero, and was happy.

Somehow, everything was falling apart.

Then her heart stopped.

Then she saw where they were headed next: the Lightwood manor. Gabriel and Gideon. _Sebastian._ She tensed and her heart started to thump; her breathing quickened. "Jace!" She pointed at them. Her pulse quickened and she paced back and forth. She hadn't even told Sebastian where she was going or what was going on with Chris. She felt herself pale when she realized that there was a chance that she might not see them again. "Over there! They're over there!"

"Yeah, I know." Jace said, panting from the effort of carrying Magnus for so long. Sweat dripped from his hair. "We have to get their attention somehow so we can actually get our plan to work."

"I think… I can…" Magnus said slowly, combing his fingers through his sweaty hair. "Get their.. attention." He was also sweating, but not for the same reason as Jace. It was because the effort of keeping himself alive was more than he could take. He lifted his hand up, and blue flickered for a moment, and then flickered out,

"Magnus-" Clary began, trying to stop him from whatever he was doing, but before she could continue, a burst of blue hit the one Nephilim with black hair that seemed to be Chris.

Jace seemed to go along with it and started to scream, "COME OVER HERE YOU DISGUSTING THINGS!" He made wild hand motions.

Magnus' fingers fell and went to his chest, and then to his mouth. He coughed violently, and his fingers came back red- covered in blood. After he wiped the blood onto his pants, he muttered, "We got their attention." Clary didn't know how he'd managed to stay alive this long. Casting that must've taken about an hour from his life. An hour that he may or may not have had. She looked at his bloody fingers, and for a moment thought that maybe they should've come up with a different idea-

but it was too late. They were already walking towards them.

Two true Nephilim towered over them, taller than any of the buildings in the surrounding area. One with black hair, the other with gray hair. **(I'm still not over the hair dye. I will never be over it. :) )**

"Chris!" Clary tried, memories swimming through her head.

Chris as a baby… holding him for the first time… Chris receiving his first runes from Brother Zachariah when he was twelve, crying because it hurt his sensitive skin. Xav, on the other hand, was laughing and saying, " _This is so cool!"_ As the rune slowly turned black and melted into his skin.

Training with the two boys. Every holiday, every notable moment with her son. But towards the end, the euphoria and wonder of the memories turned into sadness and anger as the fights and abandonment started to sink into her mind as well.

" _Fuck off, mom!"_

" _I don't need you!"_

" _You're not my mother, Clarissa."_

" _Leave me alone!"_

She blinked back tears when she saw what her son had become. Although they'd made up, the lost time and regret hit her like a truck. The last moments she'd had with her son were all discussing his fate, and not really listening to what he really had to say. Most importantly… she hadn't so much as said I love you. When she couldn't hold in the tears anymore, she let them flow down her face freely, because _what was the point of holding them in?_

* * *

 **Jace**

It was like being near the Nephilim brought out emotions he hadn't even thought about before into his mind in an uncontrollable way.

Memories flashed before his eyes.

Xav's mother knocking on his door with a baby… the wonderful feeling he had when he realized that they had the same hair and eyes. Xav breaking a stele in half as a toddler… Xav getting his first rune, and then holding Chris' hand as Chris cried. Xav saying, " _This is so cool!"_ When the rune was carved into his skin. That's when he knew for sure that Xav was his son. _My son. My one and only son. My everything._ Xav growing older, but them never growing apart. Training together, passing seraph blades across the room, drawing runes on each other. _Like twins,_ people would say.

 _So then how did I not see that he was in love with Chris?_ Jace curled up his fists, but the pain from the nails that were digging into his skin was nothing compared to the anger that he felt. _How did I not see what was right in front of me?_

Now, his only hope was Magnus. That somehow, that Xav did not only love his parabatai… that Xav also felt something for Magnus.

* * *

 **Xav**

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

With these four things repeating over and over in his mind, repeating like a broken record. Xav's mind was fuzzy; unclear. Unable to focus.

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

Chris and him walked in unison. That's all he could focus on. Chris was next to him. Chris and him were finally together.

But something was wrong.

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

 _Step. Crunch. Screams. Death._

Xav's heart was screaming, fighting against the new form that he was in. He saw that he was hurting people. He saw that he was killing people. He saw that he was killing people with hopes and dreams, with fears and whole lives ahead of them, but he couldn't stop. It was like an invisible force was forcing him to step on them.

But that wasn't the problem. Killing people wasn't the problem in his blurred mind. The problem was that every time he crushed somebody, he would see a glimpse of them. Their hopes and dreams, everything that had just been lost. That's how he got the torturous feeling that wouldn't stop.

Katarina Ashlight, age fifteen. She wanted to be an iron sister, and had been in the top of the ranks for her age group, like he had been. **(I used the shadowhunter codex's name creator thing)**

Diego Ashlight, her little brother, who was turning twelve in a week. He'd been especially excited for his rune ceremony followed by a party. His face flashed before Xav's eyes, causing a burst of fear to run through his body.

Hana AspenShadow, eighteen and just graduated from the institute. She was going to go to the Buenos Aires Institute to learn about the vampires that lived there in just three weeks.

Many more names popped into his head, and the more he learned about them, the more Xav wanted to kill; the more he wanted to get the voices to leave his head. He thought that by crushing the lives below him, the voices would leave.

He thought that by killing demons, their cries and pleas for help would disappear, finally leaving him in peace.

His hands tightened around Chris.'

Chris was the only person he could recognize besides the people he'd killed.

He heard himself scream in pain. The agony was unbearable.

* * *

 **Chris**

He couldn't think. He just saw names, people, and lost souls. He couldn't control his movements or thoughts. His only thought was Xav. Protect Xav. Guard Xav. Help him.

When Chris let his guard down for just a couple of seconds, he got hit in the back by a burst of blue light.

That was followed by the urge to kill whoever had shot that at him.

* * *

 **Xav**

Then he saw a blue flash fly past him and hit Chris in the back. Xav screamed and turned around, his thoughts all mixing together into one thing: _Kill the person who shot it._

He knew Chris also felt the same.

 **(I know the POVs are short, but I need this for the plot, sorry if it's annoying.)**

* * *

 **Clary**

Before she could even comprehend what was happening around her and what Magnus had just done, the two Nephilim started to run towards them all in unison in an inhumane way..

Then she realized their mistake. By provoking them, she'd messed with and meddled with their thoughts even further then she already had, turning them into basically emotionless and heartless creatures. For some reason, she couldn't keep herself from being angry at the parabatai as well. For destroying their home. _This is your son, not just some killing machine._ She told herself one more time.

Then the fact that her son and his parabatai had almost stepped on his childhood home and killed his half-brothers and her boyfriend slipped into her mind, and those thoughts came back to her.

She couldn't stop thinking of how if Chris were to wake up, he'd never be the same. He would probably lose his mind thinking about all the innocent people that he'd killed. But that would only happen _if_ he survived through this. _Enough._ She told herself. _You can't dwell on something that might not even happen if you make a mistake._ Her grip tightened on her stele, and she waited for the two nephilim to finally make their way to them.

 _He will live to see another day._

"Magnus, are you sure you want to do this?" Clary asked him one more time. She didn't want Magnus to get hurt for her son when he could just as easily have stayed behind in the Herondale Mansion.

"Do you think I would've come all of this way just to turn back? News flash, I'm not the same me I was when you were sixteen. I've been saving around fifteen minutes of energy just so I can do this. Just help me stand and I'll be fine." Magnus seemed to be trying to convince himself that he was capable of doing this. Magnus said, some of the energy returning to his voice. His fingers covered with dried blood, he curled them into fists and he stood up with the help of Jace. "I'm not sure what exactly I'm supposed to be doing, but… I'll try to help as much as I can."

 _He's really going to help me._ Clary smiled lightly when she saw the old gleam back in Magnus' eyes that she remembered from when she was sixteen. The flick of his hand, the glint in his eyes, the hand raking through his hair… it was all the same, athough Magnus might've denied the fact that some of his old habits lingered, Clary truly did believe that Magnus had changed for the better in the places that mattered. He was still there with them… for now. _Please, Raziel. Please, Ithuriel. Please, whatever god that might exist. Please save my son. Please save Magnus._

Clary took in a deep breath as the nephilim came nearer. _Please just let this nightmare be over. Please just let me live my life without having to worry about something._

The nephilim were both screaming in unison, agony and their pain mixing in with the pain of the things that were and had been killed by them. The only sound in Idris was agony and pain, loss and grief. Clary's heart was torn in half, seeing her son and the monster that he'd become. _No,_ she thought. _This isn't your son. This isn't your son. This is somebody else. Chris is somewhere in there._

"Chris!" She shouted, daring to hold her hand out to her son. "Chris, can you hear me?" All she got in response was a scream. Her jaw dropped and her heart's beat seemed to stop as she began to realize that he didn't recognize her voice. Her only son, the son who'd heard her voice for all of his life, didn't even recognize her voice.

She would've understood if he hadn't recognized Jace's voice, but she didn't believe that her son couldn't recognize her voice. "Chris, don't you remember me?! Chris, you know me." She gasped out, "Chris, it's me! It's your mother, your mom!"

She didn't want to get sentimental, but she felt like she had too. She needed him to recognize something, something about her.

Her voice quieted. "Your first word was 'Clary,' not 'mom.' Your dad had the weirdest expression on his face, and we both burst out laughing." Her voice cracked when she thought about all the moments spent with her son. "If you don't remember that.. What about the time when you got your first rune and told me that it hurt, and then Xav held your hand?!"

Then Jace joined in as well, saying, "Xav, do you remember sleeping with a sword every night from when you were five until you got your first rune? After you got your rune, you said that you didn't need the sword anymore, because you finally felt strong and could defend yourself?!" Tears were falling down his face when he saw that neither of the nephilim were showing any signs of recognition. They were pouring their hearts out, hoping to get some sort of response, but they were getting none at all.

Absolutely nothing.

Clary turned to Magnus, who seemed to have finally gotten the courage to walk towards them.

He was their only hope now.

* * *

 **Xav**

"Xavier!" Someone he didn't recognize called out, holding his hand close Xav's chest, where his heart was. "Xavier, can you hear me?" Xav tried to nod his head, but his thoughts were so muddled and full of pain and suffering that the only thing that he could do was scream. "Look- I know you're in there somewhere. I don't know if I'm right about this, or if you can even hear me, but I have something to say, okay? So just… listen, if you're there."

His voice was kind, caring… somebody he knew. Somebody he should recognize.

Xav could feel Chris' uneasiness, but continued to listen to the person. "I'm in love with you, Xavier." It was like there had been a glass mirror holding Xav into the true nephilim, and that man had broken it, setting him free from it's grasp. Xav's thoughts were suddenly cleared with an intensity like never before. The real Xav was set free, and although he hadn't returned to his true form, he recognized the person now.

He knew who the person was.

It was Magnus.

Memories of what had just happened flowed into his mind, and he remembered everything to almost an overwhelming amount. The kiss in front of the Clave, the other kiss when they were by themselves, the demon attack, and finally Magnus getting stabbed. _Magnus got stabbed,_ Xav thought, a sudden panic running through his mind. The clear mind seemed to amplify it by the thousands. Xav wanted to speak. He wanted to call out, to say, _Get out of here before I hurt you, please! Please, Magnus, please!_

 _I don't want you to get hurt by the monster I've become._

"Xav, I don't know if you remember. I don't know if you remember all of the moments we've spent together in the past few months. But.. I'm just going to put this out here… hoping that you can hear my but can't say anything. The reason I told you to stop when you kissed me is because I didn't want to get hurt. I knew you were in love with Chris, and I-" His voice cut off. "Who am I kidding, right? Thinking that you could possibly feel something, anything for me. I just want a sign. I just want to know if you ever felt anything for me… and if you can hear this… I want a response from the real Xav, not this-this thing standing in front of me. But… I love you. I really do."

Xav saw the blood spreading throughout Magnus' shirt and wanted desperately to say something to him. He wanted to say something, anything. " _I'm here,"_ Xav wanted to cry out. " _I'm right here, and I've never said this before, but a part of me… A part of me does love you, Magnus. I love you. I love you, but I can't say it right now."_

Magnus stood there, waiting for a response Xav wished he could give. Xav felt his lips part, but no words came out of his mouth.

All of a sudden, he felt the nephilim take over his body again, and the rest was all a blur.

* * *

 **Magnus**

 _In… out._

 _In… out._

Magnus told himself as he stood there. _This was pointless. He doesn't love you back._ The blood was really starting to fill his lungs now. He couldn't breathe.

Yet he kept standing there firmly, waiting for some sort of response.

He felt a crunching sensation in his side, and he was tossed to the ground. His vision began to dim.

The last thing he saw was Xav.

For a couple minutes after his vision gave way, so did his hearing. Magnus could feel the blood leave his system, and the magic in his veins start to fade away.

He didn't get a chance to speak his last words.

He'd wanted Xav to know how he truly felt.

Clearly, he hadn't heard anything he said, which meant-

He'd spent the last of his energy waiting for a response from a person that didn't love him back.

Then all of his consciousness slipped away.

* * *

 **Yeah… um… sorry. There is going to be a "happy" ending, but.. Not in the way you expect.**

 **I just want to thank anybody reading this, because I got yelled at during math class for writing, lol. My math teacher legit said that I was probably no good, so I need to pay attention instead of living in a fantasy.**

 **I want to thank you guys for supporting me when most people haven't been, and for giving me the courage to keep writing.**

 **I'm working on a clabastian fanfic as well, so that's why the updates aren't as frequent, but I'm trying to make them longer. The clabastian fic should be uploaded sometime after I finish this one.**

 **I want to give a little shout out to Lullaby**

 **baby rock a by bye for reading my fic even tho they're going through a rough time. :)**

 **I think I have 2-3 more chapters planned for this as of now, unless I decide to do another plot twist… because that's just the unpredictable me that I am.**

 **Please write a review if you read this. I love you all so much.**

 **~Sara**


	9. Can't Reverse Time

**Um...I can't believe I killed Magnus. I'm evil. I'm crazy. I'm heartless. Lol. Feel free to yell at me.**

 **I'm not trying to make a habit of killing characters… but it's happening… lol**

 **This chapter will be quite sad, I think. This chapter is dedicated to Ruth M and Horses8.**

 **I think there will be 1-2 chapters until the end.**

 **~Sara**

 **Xav**

Scarlet, crimson, and all sorts of shades of red surrounded him. A chill ran through his body when he finally realized what it was… or, well… who's it was. _Blood._ The blood was all over the ground, the debris from the chaos that had obviously happened right before he'd woken up, mixing in with the blood of the person that had died in the aftermath.

The blood of the man that he'd slowly started to fall in love with.

His fingers felt wet from the blood.

Xav slowly brought his hands to his face, and went pale, the color in his face draining away. The very same blood that he'd been looking at earlier was slowly spreading across his fingers and flowing down to his sleeves, staining themselves with Magnus' blood. It was a shade of scarlet, the blood was fresh… the color of a newly opened wound… except it wasn't blood from a wound-

It was the blood of a dead person.

A dead person that he knew.

A dead person that he'd just started to fall for.

He should've felt some sort of emotion. He should've felt guilty, or angry, or sadness… anything.

But the only thing he felt was…

nothing. Absolutely nothing.

A feeling that he'd never felt around Chris came through him as soon as he felt Chris stir beside him."Xav? What's wrong? What happened?"

"Hey. Xav, are you okay?" Chris asked. Xav slowly turned around, the blue eyes that Magnus had loved so much had grown dull.

When Xav heard the gasp, that's when he knew that Chris had seen the body and all of the blood that had started to seep into his pants. Magnus' blood seemed to have no end, although his life did.

Instead of crying like some people when Chris asked him if he was okay, Xav was suddenly filled by an overwhelming feeling of anger. Not only at himself, but at Chris too.

The last thing that Xav saw was Chris holding Magnus in his grip as he slowly choked Magnus to death.

Xav could only assume that Chris has killed Magnus.

"Xav, where are our parabatai runes?"

"Are you really _this_ dumb?" Xav pushed Chris' arms away from himself and got up. Xav looked mad at Chris… which almost never happened. Chris got angry frequently, but Xav never did. "Do you really not-can you really-ugh!"

"Xav, can you just explain to me-" Chris tried to put his hand on Xav's shoulder, but Xav pushed his hand away, the numbness briefly replaced by anger.

"DON'T TOUCH ME!" Xav shouted.

"Xav, you're scaring me."

"Get away from me! Get away from me!" Chris took a step backwards, tripping on Magnus' leg. "NO! Don't touch him!" Xav shouted, eyes full of tears, although he was angry- angrier than he'd ever been in his life. "Don't touch him!"

Then, all of a sudden, as if out of nowhere… Clary and Jace showed up. "Xav, What are you-

"How could you let this happen?! How could you let Chris kill him?! How could you- why would you-" Jace stepped forward towards his son, but Xav cried, "DON'T TOUCH ME! It's your fault! It's all your fault that he's dead! Magnus is dead!"

For a moment, it was silent… as if it had finally gotten to him.

The fact that Magnus was dead.

 **Chris**

He felt something wet fall onto his arm, and his eyes fluttered open. It felt like he'd just woken up from a year long slumber. Then he realized where the wetness had come from. They were tears.

From his line of vision, he could see Xav's back. He was crouched down over his arm, hands in his head, shaking his head over and over and rocking himself back and forth as if there was something there that scared him; something that he couldn't accept.

"Xav, what's wrong? What happened?" Chris immediately asked as he waited for an answer.

Xav's mouth opened, but no sound came out. He just sat there.

Chris saw that there was blood on his hands. "Hey. Xav, are you okay?" Chris lightly shook Xav's shoulders and slowly started to get up.

Once he got up, he saw why Xav looked so broken.

Magnus.

His body was crushed into half of what it was, and although he was dead, blood still came seeping out of the gaping hole in his side and covering Xav's clothes, hair, and skin. It was an almost horrifying sight, watching Xav as he just sat there, covered in Magnus' blood. Xav's eyes were dull and lifeless as Chris saw that he was staring at Magnus' still-open eyes.

But Chris had no idea what was going on. He had no idea of what had just happened or why… why he couldn't feel the parabatai bond that he'd felt for the past year. So he asked the first question that came to mind. "Xav, where are our parabatai runes?"

Xav slowly turned around as if just noticing that he was there, his dead eyes glaring at him. His hair was covered in blood, as was his gear. Then, slowly… the dull look was replaced by anger. "Are you really this dumb? Do you really not-can you really-ugh!" One hand on the spot where the parabatai rune had disappeared and the other on the floor, Xav continued to glare at him.

Chris didn't remember whatever Xav was talking about. He just saw flashes- flashes of things that he knew he wouldn't do. Chris had never killed anyone. It was just the hallucinations from the curse.

 _The curse…_ he thought for a moment, checking his reflection in the pool created by the blood on the floor. The black, webbed lines that had come along with the curse had disappeared. "Xav, could you just explain to me-

Xav pushed his hand away in a type of anger that Chris had never seen in him before. This Xav was different. He was angry, uncomposed and dull. This was not the Xav that he'd fallen for. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" Xav shouted, the blood in his hair dripping down to the floor.

And for the first time in his life-

Chris was afraid of Xav. He was scared that Xav was going to hurt him. "Xav… you're scaring me." He whispered, his eyes and voice full of hurt.

"Get away from me! Get away from me!" Xav was out of control. Xav wasn't his usual, composed self. He had let go of himself, and something else had taken its place. Someone entirely different from the person that Chris knew. Chris stumbled backwards when he saw Xav's fists getting ready to hit him, and accidentally tripped over Magnus. "NO! DON'T TOUCH HIM!" Xav's voice cracked, his fingernails running across his hand, the skin peeling off and making him bleed, his blood mixing in with Magnus'. "Don't touch him!" Xav was angrier than he'd ever been.

Then out of nowhere, Clary and Jace appeared from the ruins, and Jace tried to step forward and calm Xav down. "Xav, What are you-

"How could you let this happen?! How could you let Chris kill him?! How could you- why would you-" Those words made Chris' heart stop. What had he done? What had he done to make Xav so angry? He didn't remember hurting anyone. He didn't remember killing Magnus if that was what he'd really done. He didn't want to believe it. Chris didn't want to believe that he was capable of hurting somebody.. no, killing somebody. _He's lying. You killed no one._ The revengeful energy coming off of Xav scared Chris.

Jace stepped forward again. "DON'T TOUCH ME! It's your fault! It's all your fault that he's dead! Magnus is dead!" Xav's attention was pointed at Chris for a moment, but then he paled, as if finally realizing something.

Then he turned and ran.

Chris turned to his mother, confused and afraid. "What does he mean, I killed Magnus? What happened? I just remember… wait, why am I not a silent brother? What happened?!"

"Chris.." Clary sighed. "I didn't want to tell you…"

"Tell me. Now." Chris demanded.

"It happened."

"What?" Chris asked.

"You became a true Nephilim."

Chris' eyes widened. "What? How?!" He exclaimed almost without thinking, but then realized where he was and everything around him. Idris was in ruins. There was blood and bodies flung around in every direction that you looked. It was a scarlet city, with an exception of the different shades of body color, but Chris was sure if you were to look at Idris from above, all you would be able to see was blood. There was debris covering his clothes and his hands and his face. It was obvious what had happened, but he didn't want to admit it to himself. There was blood on his hands. Blood that he didn't want to see. "Did I… really…?" The look on Clary's face gave it all away. "I did…" Chris mumbled. What he'd seen in the flashes as he'd been asleep were true. He'd really killed people. He's stepped on them, crushed them… he shook his head over and over.

"You did." Clary whispered, cupping his face in her hands.

Chris slowly moved her hands away from his face. "I don't deserve your sympathy. No matter how much I want you to hold me like I'm a child… i don't deserve it."

Clary's eyes widened, as she hadn't thought that he'd act this way. "Christopher Lightwood… I don't care what you've done. I mean, I do care, but I forgive you. I'll always forgive you, because you're my son. You're my sweet, caring, adorable… you're my creative, wonderful son. I love you no matter what you do. So even though you don't deserve my sympathy, take it." Her arms were open wide, ready to hold him in her warm embrace.

All of the energy that he'd had when confronting Xav suddenly drained away, and he was exhausted. He collapsed into his mother's arms, letting himself have a couple moments to just be her son. To try and be okay.

 **Xav**

Everything was falling apart. He couldn't pick out one emotion through the storm of emotions flooding his mind. He didn't know whether it was anger or grief or anything, but whatever it was, it was making his mind go blank. He was numb. It was like whatever somebody said around him was slurred and everything was blurred. Nothing really mattered except the feeling that something, no… _someone_ was missing. He didn't even feel angry with himself for yelling and losing control earlier. He didn't care that he'd hurt Chris. He didn't care that he'd ran away from those who cared about him. He just wanted to get away from everybody who was around him. He wanted to just start over; to forget everything.

He took a look at his reflection in the blood on the ground of who knew who, and saw the tears that were falling down his face. He hadn't even noticed that, either. His usually bright blue eyes were almost gray. He seemed like there was a part missing to him.

He shouldn't be this upset. He shouldn't be this torn apart.

Yet he was. Every time he closed his eyes, he would see Magnus' faded golden eyes, blood bubbling from his mouth, reaching out to him, wanting Xav to tell him how he felt.

The numbness went away as soon as he made it to the top of the hill he'd been climbing, and he collapsed from the weight of everything. His body shook with tears and he let out a agonized scream. Rocking himself back and forth as everything that he'd bottled up started to hit him with the force of a thousand missiles, he continued to scream.

In a way, he blamed himself. If only _he_ hadn't lost control, if he hadn't slept with Chris, if he hadn't let Magnus fight in the first place… if he and Chris had never been parabatai at all, then he'd still be alive.

 _If only, if only, if only._

He hadn't known his true feelings for Magnus until now. He hadn't realized how much these emotions had really impacted him. He wasn't sure that he could call it love, but it was something. Something so powerful that he couldn't quite discern what it was.

No matter what he had felt, he knew what he felt now. He felt a gaping hole in his heart that would never be full again, a void that continued to grow bigger and bigger the more he thought about the heartbroken look on Magnus' face when he couldn't answer his question.

He could've at least faked it. He could've told Magnus that he loved him. But then again… it wouldn't have been fake, because maybe… just _maybe,_ Xav could've learned to love Magnus the way he did Chris. Was it possible to love two people?

He shut his eyes and buried his head into his his shoulders and continued to rock himself back and forth. He couldn't think about the what if's when there would be none. Magnus was dead, Magnus was gone. Magnus was gone forever.

All of a sudden, a crazed and creepy excitement came over him when he realized- it wasn't forever.

 _Necromancy. The black volume of the Dead. I can bring him back._

 _I just need a catalyst, something from another dimension, and a part of Magnus._ **(I believe that's what it was, correct me if I'm wrong.)**

Naturally, the Xav of a few days ago would've thought he was crazy to try necromancy, but… this was a different him. He didn't care if the spell would only give him a few minutes or a lifetime back. He just wanted to tell Magnus. He wanted to tell Magnus how he felt.

If not, then what was the point of even staying like this?

 **Chris**

About an hour later, Xav came walking up to them with a smile on his face, and although his eyes were dull, his smile was genuine.

Chris could feel his own face light up, but kept calm, as he didn't know for sure what could set Xav off. "You're back." He whispered, and watched as Jace pulled him into a hug and received no sort of rejection.

Chris realized that the parabatai runes no longer existed on him, and took no time to run up to Xav, his arms held out. Chris didn't notice it at first, but… although Xav hugged Chris back, he flinched whenever Chris touched him. Chris didn't push him for any type of answer. Xav would need time to heal, as did Chris.

"Yeah."

"Are you… better?" Chris asked carefully, unsure of what he should ask him.

"Yeah." Xav replied, smiling at him. Chris felt relief wash over him as Xav stopped flinching and melted into his embrace. "I'll be better soon." The way that he said _soon_ scared Chris a little, but he pushed the feeling away and let himself enjoy the moment.

It felt like this was one of those moments where on the outside, it looked like they were happy, reunited, and relieved. But on the inside, Chris was scared, guilty, and frightened.

Chris held in everything. He didn't want what he was showing on the outside to be fake. He wanted it to be real.

But he had no idea what was real and what wasn't.

 **Xav**

"Are you better?" Chris had asked in an almost innocent way.

He fought the urge to collapse into himself. His parted his lips to offer an explanation, but could he say? But what could he say? What could he possibly do? The boy he'd grown feelings for was gone and he couldn't bring him back. The sun had fallen out of the sky. He was bearing the weight of the sky on his shoulders and was about to fall to his knees because he couldn't handle it. He couldn't handle anything.

 **(2 weeks later)**

Xav had spent the past few weeks finding a catalyst, and had finally managed to get one at the Shadow Market outside of Idris. The true Nephilim attack on Idris had managed to kill all of the demons that were thirsting for the taste of shadowhunter blood during that hour or so, and therefore, the gates to enter in and out of Idris had opened once again.

He had kept the act going. He'd acted the same way that he used to around Chris, he'd acted like everything was okay. It wasn't going to be okay until he brought Magnus back from the dead. It wasn't as if he was going to stop loving Chris or had stopped loving Chris, it was just the guilt and the pain of not being able to tell Magnus how he felt that was making him do this.

That was why the only things that he felt other than numbness was either a sort of… euphoria, or rage. The sudden burst of happiness only came when he was close to finding something he needed for the spell, or if he actually found it. He felt rage whenever he thought he'd found something but it managed to leave his grasp.

The rest of his life was numb.

But when he was all alone and left to his own thoughts, he would collapse onto the floor, silent sobs shaking his whole body as he clutched the catalyst as tightly as he could, clinging to the hope that he could bring him back, no matter what shape or form it was in.

He had a lock of Magnus' hair for the spell, and a catalyst. The only thing that he needed now was something from another dimension. The only thing that he could think of was Sebastian and those twins that somehow had two fathers.

But in no way was he going to steal a baby.

Some nights, he would wake up drenched in sweat, chest heaving from all of the screams that wanted to escape from his mouth and the tears that continued to shake him. The only thing he could cling to was the lock of hair and the catalyst.

He never once questioned whether Magnus himself wanted to be brought back from the dead.

 **Sorry for killing Magnus and for the late update. As some of you may know, I uploaded a new fanfic called** _ **This is the Hunt,**_ **which is a clabastian fic, so if you ship that, make sure to check it out! It's an AU story that involves gangs, murder, etc. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this chapter.**

 **~Sara**


	10. Miss You

**Final chapter. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I'll have a reallllllly long speech at the end so you don't have to deal with it now. ENNJOY!**

 **Sorry this is late, I was feeling really unmotivated and… yeah. Sorry for the wait. There are lots of tests since it's spring, and I've just been really busy and tired, but I hope you like this extra long chapter.**

 **~Sara**

 **Xav**

If there was one thing that Xav hadn't been able to comprehend in his seventeen years of life, it was why the best, most kind, most amazing people were the ones who had to struggle and go through pain. Why was it that the greatest people, the most purest of heart, ended up getting hurt in such awful ways?

He looked in the mirror in front of him, and what he saw was someone he didn't even recognize. His once well toned body had seemed to vanish, and were replaced by ribs, and you could count each one. His eyes were gray, and his skin was pale. He gripped the sides of the sink and blinked, realizing that his face was wet.

After getting a hold of himself and putting on his gear above two layers of clothing so nobody could see his weight loss, he got to the training room, only to be greeted by the very person he didn't want to talk to.

"You okay?"

 _Please stop asking me if I'm okay._ "Fine." Xav mumbled, not looking into the deep blue eyes he used to want to stare at endlessly.

He should and _would've_ been happy…

He would've been happy, if only…

If only he didn't see Chris as a true Nephilim, crushing the body of Magnus Bane every single time he looked at him. If only he didn't remember the fact that Chris had been the one to kill Magnus, and nobody seemed to remember. If only he wasn't so in love yet so _angry_ with Chris at the same time. He should be happy. He should be happy that their parabatai runes were gone. Yet every single time Chris would touch him, he'd have to resist the urge to flinch, or to pull away.

The only thing he had to cling to was the catalyst and the lock of hair. He couldn't tell anyone, not a soul. He'd be locked away in some insane asylum, never to be seen or heard from ever again.

Xav dug his fingernails into his hands when Chris leaned over and kissed Xav. "It'll be alright soon, I promise." Xav hated himself. He hated himself for wanting to be with Chris. He hated himself for wanting to be happy.

"Yeah." Xav replied, pointing to the bow and arrows Chris had in hand. "Are you going to train?"

"Yeah, I heard you were going to as well, so… I changed my schedule." Chris smiled.

 _How can you be so immune to everything? How?_ Xav thought to himself. "I… actually, I don't feel well… Could you tell Emma that I'll go tomorrow?"

Something flashed over Chris' face, but almost as soon as it did, it vanished. "Yeah, Yeah. Sure. See you tonight?"

"Of course." Xav said, making sure not to run to his room like he wanted to. Countless visits from his father and Clary were already enough. He didn't need to be reminded of what he and Chris had done to Idris. Having to go to their funerals hurt even more.

He slammed the door to his room shut and reached inside his drawer for the locket containing Magnus' hair before sinking to the floor.

This wasn't just about Magnus anymore.

Xav actually believed that this was what was going to make him happy again. What was going to make him whole again. Once he brought him back, he'd be able to forget about the guilt that came after he attacked Idris. He'd be able to be with Chris without the pain of Magnus' death.

At least, that was what he wanted to believe.

For the past two weeks, immense repairs had been done to the whole of Idris, starting with the cleaning of the blood. For the first three days after the attack, Idris was a red city, blood flowing down the streets. After that, it was as if nothing had happened at all. The only reminders of the attack were the cries that could be heard in streets and the growing amount of bones in the silent city.

Xav hated walking down the street and seeing people whisper about him and ask, _is that him? Is that the boy that killed thousands of Shadowhunters? Doesn't he know that our population is shrinking?_ He hated people purposely tripping him in the street, asking him if he was really the son of a war hero.

Jace and Clary handled it well, and so did Sebastian. Sebastian was easier to talk to than he had before. Sebastian had supposedly been dead for 16 years before showing up again; all while being wanted by the Clave for killing thousands. Sebastian understood.. at least, a little bit.

But Xav didn't want people to understand, because nobody truly did. They didn't understand how badly this affected him. He didn't want to be known as the son of a war hero that killed half of the population of Idris. He wanted his old status back. He wanted to be the best shadowhunter if the generation. He wanted ,to be the hope of the Nephilim, not a disgraceful, disgusting creature that was hard to look at.

He couldn't handle it anymore. _If I bring Magnus back, it'll be alright._ His crazed thoughts told him. _I just have to bring him back, and I'll be okay again. I'll feel okay._

He just needed one more thing to bring him back. He knew where he could get it, and how to get it… but there was one thing-

They were Clary's kids. Chris' siblings.

 _But they're from another dimension._ Xav argued with himself. _They're not human._

 _Yes they are. You can't just kill them._ The other side of himself fought back.

But then again… he'd been searching for something from another dimension for two weeks, and had no luck with finding anything. The spell didn't say that the thing from another dimension would die in the process if it was alive in the first place…

And it wasn't as if he hadn't tried to find another way. Xavier continuously backed his vicious thoughts up with facts that made absolutely no sense. But the basic idea was semi-comprehendable.

He was going to steal babies from his boyfriend's house to bring back a dead warlock.

Surprisingly, he'd heard about worse things.

And for once, he didn't care about breaking the law.

Fuck the law. Fuck everything and everyone.

He'd only give up once he got what he wanted.

 **Chris**

Chris had told Xav that he'd give him space; that he would let him grieve.

But this… this wasn't normal, was it? Weren't you supposed to lean on the people you loved during times like this? When his father had died, Clary had found comfort in the people she loved. She hadn't pushed people away.

Chris thought that what he'd been seeing was effort from Xav. He thought that Xav was trying to get better. No.. not better.

Chris just wanted Xav to learn how to be okay again.

It was as if Xav had lost trust in him; like Xav didn't know that Chris saw him tremble under his grip or try not to flinch whenever he talked to him.

Chris had seen it too. He'd seen the bodies scattered throughout Idris. He'd seen the body of Livia Blackthorn at one of the many funerals, watching as Emma flung herself into Julian's arms, tears filling her eyes. Worst of all, he'd seen Magnus Bane's body right in front of him, a man that had been alive for centuries and had survived _world wars_ and _centuries_ dead right before him.

So if Xav and him had gone through the same thing…

What had made Xav so afraid from him?

At first, he thought it was the lives they'd ended… but he remembered that they'd killed before.

He went through every possibility.

It had taken him a while to finally realize it, but then it all came to him in what seemed like seconds. He'd started to rethink everything that had happened in the past year.

That's when he realized what… no, _who_ it was.

It was Magnus. He remembered the kiss in the great hall. He'd trusted Xav when Xav told him that their relationship was nothing but platonic. Maybe Xav hadn't even realized it back then. The way they'd clung on to each other, and how after that… nothing had ever really been the same between him and Xav all pointed to the truth that Chris hadn't wanted to see. The truth that Xav did have feelings for somebody else.. But those feelings had only been realized after the curse was in its final stages.

Then he'd remembered the look on Xav's face when Magnus got hurt right before they shifted. He'd completely ignored Chris and started to panick.

Chris pretended not to see Xav's weight loss, dark circles, or pale skin. He pretended that he didn't walk into Xav's room just to see Xav huddled into a ball, cradling himself while crying.

Instead, he chose to believe that Xav would learn how to be okay again.

But the truth was that he hadn't even been trying.

 **Xav**

He'd actually done it, and he hated himself for it. Xav was literally holding two babies by the beach, and was currently setting up a ceremonial circle.

Stealing them hadn't even been difficult, which made Xav feel more disgusted with himself. _It'll be worth it,_ He promised himself. _Just get him back._

And worst of all, his mind was trying to convince him that what he was doing was right. That he was doing the right thing. There were two circles that he'd etched onto the ground with a stick, one bigger than the other, and in the border plenty of runes had been carved into the sand. **(Fun fact: I went through my copy of Queen of Air and Darkness to figure this chapter out, so..)**

Xav wasn't using shadowhunter runes. He was using a runic language that was much of unpleasant, ancient, and demonic. He placed the ingredients right next to the circle: the myrrh(the catalyst), chalk, the lock of Magnus' hair… and one of the twins.

There was a look of hope in Xav's face that hadn't been there in a long time. He smiled lightly before he placed the pouch containing Magnus' hair onto the edge of the circle and then put the glowing red myrrh in the center of the circle. He started to chant loudly, not caring if somebody heard him at this point. " _Abyssus abyssum invocat in voce cataractarum tuaram; omnia excelsa tua et fluctus tuit súper me transierunt._ Deep calls to deep in the voice of your waterfalls, all your whirlpools and waves have passed over me."

As he chanted, one by one the objects inside the circle caught on fire and it looked like fireworks going off. They burned with a clean blaze. Xav spoke the memorized words as quickly as he could without jumbling them together. " _Hic mortui vivunt, hic mortui vivunt-_ "

"WAIT!" He heard a cry from the distance, and hands on his shoulders. Xav turned around with lighting speed. "Xav- Xav, don't do this."

The Latin chant stopped mid sentence, and Xav stared at his parabatai, confused, his dull blue eyes darting from Chris' collarbone to his face and back down again. "What do you mean? I-I don't- I can't… understand you."

"Don't do this. Don't raise Magnus from the dead."

"But… I have to," Xav said. His voice sounded empty, just like it had been for two weeks. "I can't live without him."

"Yes, you can." Chris said firmly but quietly. "You can. You think this will make you happy, make you better, but it'll make you feel more empty than you already do. He's already dead, already gone. You can't bring back somebody who's already been in the afterlife for two weeks. You think you can't survive without him, but you can. We can go through this together." Xav's face was wet, and he realized that he'd been crying. He continued to watch Chris speak. "I love you, Xav. I love you."

Chris continued, "He's gone, Xav. Gone forever. You have to get through this. Your family can help you, I can help you. But not if you do this, Xav. He might not even want to come back."

Xav's face; the one that had been filled with guilt just a moment before… it had finally went blank. "I have to get him back, Chris. I have to. I just have to."

He pulled himself from Chris' grasp and turned his attention back to the circle, his hands outstretched as he continued the chant. " _Igni ferroque, ex silentio, ex animo_ -" Chris knocked him to the side, and Xav was too shocked to defend himself like he usually could, along with the fact that he hadn't slept in days, he was weaker than usual. They splashed into the shallow water and Xav finally seemed to come back to life in a way, and he shoved Chris and kicked him in the throat. Although he was choking, Chris continued to try and restrain Xav. Xav was crying, but even while crying, he was a better fighter than Chris was. He was a shadowhunter born and trained. He was a natural fighter. He struggled free and thrust out his hand to the fire from the circle once more.

" _Ex silentio, Ex animo!"_ He cried, " _Magnus Bane! Resurget!"_ The flame at the center on the circle turned black.

It was done.

Black flames rose to the sky, and Xav stepped back, his eyes shining. The water of the ocean began to ripple. What Xav had expected wasn't what he saw. What he saw was an outline, a transparent Magnus in an outfit he would have never worn.

Xav ignored the feeling of dread inside of him and walked up to the ghost. But he knew it was Magnus. It was Magnus.

"Why did you bring me back like this?" Was the first thing that came out of Magnus' mouth. "Why?" After a moment, Magnus finally met Xav's eyes. "Why could you do this? Why did you do this?" Then he whispered, "You could've finally been with Chris."

Xav stopped.

He hadn't even considered the question himself. He'd thought that the one he wanted this whole time was Chris, and yet… he'd fallen for Magnus too. Why had he let his emotions do this to him? Instead of leaning on Chris for comfort, he'd stolen a fucking baby and summoned a ghost with twins. Luckily, the twins were still alive. Chris was now holding them, but the look in his eyes was one of horror when he looked in Xav's way. Xav had finally become the monster that he'd been so afraid of becoming. Why had he resurrected Magnus when the reason he'd even gotten to know Magnus was because of his feelings for Chris?

"I.. I don't know." Xav stared at his trembling hands, perhaps a bit scared of himself now. "But Magnus-

"There's no 'but,' Xavier. Not now. Not after I died." Magnus said softly. "I need to go back. This-this isn't natural."

"I…" Xav tried to hide the mixed emotions he was feeling. Nothing had gone right. He'd expected Magnus to come back the way he used to be, but the truth was that Magnus was different now. You can't bring back somebody who's died. They'll never truly be alive again. Xav shook his head, trying to find a reason to keep him there. "Please, Magnus. I-I need to be okay again. I need someone. I need you. Please."

"Take a look around you." Magnus said, reaching a transparent hand out to Xav, but having no luck; his hand passed straight through Xav's cheek. Magnus' hand fell to his side. "Look… as much as I wish I could come back… to be with you…" He glanced at Chris' form in the shadows. "You don't need me. You have the most perfect person possible. The perfect person for you."

"Magnus, please. Don't do this to me. Not again, not again. I can't lose you after bringing you back."

"But is this really bringing me back?" Magnus looked down at his hands. "I'm a fraction of who I used to be, Xav."

"You're still you."

"I'm sorry, but you're not the one who decides that for me." Magnus' form started to flicker, and a look of sadness flashed over his face but was replaced with a melancholy smile. "But… I do have one question."

Xav opened his mouth to speak, but he was speechless.

"Can you answer my question?" Magnus' eyes were full of hope, just like they were when they closed two weeks ago.

Xav couldn't leave the question unanswered. Not again. Never again. "I love you, Magnus. I love you, I love you, I love you." Xav reached out for Magnus, mirroring Magnus from a couple minutes before. This time, Xav's fingers hit something firm.

Magnus was himself again. Xav wasted no time to cup his face with his hands and bring his lips to his.

As soon as their lips touched, Magnus started to fade away again. Xav could feel the tears falling down his face.

"Don't miss me too much…" Magnus said softly as he pulled away from Xav, his flickering form obvious. "You might just end up hurting yourself. I'll never be gone, alright? You'll just to look for me somewhere else."

And he was gone.

Xav collapsed into Chris' waiting arms. He wasn't better, but he was going to learn how to be okay again. Whether it took years, or months, or decades… he wouldn't be alone.

 **2 months later (Kind of an epilogue)...**

Xav laid flowers down at the grave. They were roses; the same shade of gold that Magnus' eyes had been. His hands were linked with Chris,' and the smile on his face did not waver. He crouched down in front of the grave and closed his eyes, remembering what Magnus had said.

" _I'll never be gone, alright? You'll just have to look for me somewhere else."_

Xav opened his eyes and looked at Chris before changing his gaze up to the sky. "I'm trying. I really am."

He took a deep breath. "I'm learning how to be whole again."

 **I'm soooo sorry that this took so long to update. 1, I was busy writing this thank you letter at the end, but… I also have been stressing from tests and such since it's spring. I've never been the best student, so I had to really get my act together. I hope you guys understand, because for now, my education comes first.. Until i write a book, lol. Jk. I've also felt unmotivated and lazy, so… I'm sorry.**

 **Anyway, that ending had me crying. Literally. There are tears on my laptop. I hope you guys enjoyed my crazy writing that started off as a clabastian story and ended up moving on from that and into a full blown xris story. I honestly think that this is the best ending I've ever written. I'm blown away by all of the support I get from everybody who's followed, favorited, reviewed.**

 **Wow. I can't believe you've kept up with me for… what is it? Two years now? A whole fucking trilogy. I love you guys:**

 **-DFairBaugh**

 **-Horses8**

 **-Lullaby baby rock a by bye**

 **-Ruth M**

 **-immxrtxl**

 **-kaylettexo**

 **I just want to take time to say thanks to some of you individually as well-**

 **Horses8: Thanks for being so supportive even if I don't update for soooo long. Thanks for being a great friend. :)**

 **Lullaby baby rock a by bye: Okay. I don't know what to say. Just.. thanks for being so supportive.**

 **Ruth M: Thank you thank you thank you thank you. :)**

 **Thank you to the people who've been reading since the beginning and watching my writing get better over the years. I love you all so, so much. Thank you for going through this journey with Xav and Chris and Clary and Seb. Love you.**

 **~Sara**


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